Listen. A lot's been going on in the news lately. What else is new? Just
when I think I can rest on my laurels (you’re welcome for that adorable image,
by the way) and enjoy a nice glass of the finest of flavored liqueurs, shit hits
the fan again, and I’ve got to get back on the beat. I know – my poor laurels!
Motherfuckers.
Unlike most breaking-news reporters – who just inform their viewers of the
daily goings-on in their communities, I like to offer a solution to whatever
problems grace the front pages of our hometown papers each morning. (Yes, I
still subscribe to my daily paper – I like to give back, and also – its good for
starting fires – in my fireplace, suckers.) Anyway, back to the beat. I’m sure
you’ve all heard about the tom-foolery and horseplay that’s been going on up at
Penn State. Jesus Christ. I mean really. Sodomy? And of adolescent boys!
Ghastly. Moral issues, aside, isn’t sodomy like outlawed in the Bible? God knows
the people of Pennsylvania are a God-fearing folk (I here am referencing Ben
Franklin, the Quakers . . and the Amish and their amazing baked goods) and the
last person they want to piss off is the Big Guy. Triflin’!
And that motherfucking phone interview! What on earth would possess the
alleged rapist to phone it in with Bob Costas! ( . . . of all people, I know,
he’s top par and a class-act by any standards.) His lawyer? His therapist?
(That’s a shout out to SNL’s “Jeopardy” by the way – get it? remember it? “The
Rapist” . . . ? Hats off to you Sean Connery/Daryl Hamond, hats off.) But did
you catch the ‘view? Silly! Mother of God. I’m going to take your word that you,
in fact, do watch Brian William’s new show which aired the call. If not, well, I
mean, I don’t know. Get the fuck with it.
Jerry Sandusky, shockingly, basically just laughed the whole thing off – a
short chuckle and in one or two mumbled sentences, denied forced-ass play (also
lovingly called “rape”) with anyone! Bitch, please! I’ve told a lie or three in
my day, and that is not the denial of someone who’s innocent – or even someone
who’s putting the whole thing on her little sister! He’s just calling the whole
thing horseplay! (“whores”-play; I’m on fire today!) All of it is just silly.
So it’s obvi that homeboy “enjoys kids” – and I’m pretty sure he used those
exact words (not that I’m going to verify or anything, but alas). I totally get
it, well, sort of! I love kids, too! I nannied five of the cutest motherfucking
kids ever – and for half a decade! Keep in mind, I don’t give out compliments
about being adorable to just anyone, naturally. So, Jerry and I have that in
common, I guess. We don’t have anything else in common, but I wanted to offer
some of my favorite activities with children – just in case he needs some
suggestions to fill his time. I’ll pick out a few of the very best things I’ve
taught both the children I nannied, and my little sister – all of whom are
better people for it.
So, instead of “whore”-sing around in the shower with the future leaders of
America, why don’t you:
