You know what happens when you assume.

Well, hello, there. I hate to prove you bitches wrong, but no, I haven't removed myself entirely from the blogging world. I wish I could sit here and regale you with a story involving me, a stalker/reader, a near death experience, a dungeon chamber and Raven Symone, but sadly, I can't, and we wouldn't want to lie, would we? Anyway, I'm here to report that I'm back - well fuck that, I'll save my breath. I know that I come to each of you all the time promising that I'll never leave your side again, not even for a second, and then before I know it, I find myself yearning to head to the corner store for a pack of cigarettes and a gallon of milk (Call me, Dad!). I know, terrible, but trust me, its not me, its you.

Speaking of not giving a shit about your family, I guess I'll start with the obvious, and get that out of the way. Let's talk Tiger and Kate Gosselin. They make it too fucking easy. Well, to be honest, I could give a shit about Tiger - he's b(l)ack from sex addiction rehab (I'm sure the 12 steps were a big hurdle for homeboy) and yet, more ho's continue to come out from the woodwork - big deal. I'm way over it and if there is one thing I know, its that ho's will always be after a man's money. Life lesson, and you're welcome for putting it in print.

So, Kate Gosselin is all up on Dancing With the Stars and I did happen to catch her performance this week. The bitch is horrible. And the promo reel or footage or whatever-the-fuck its called . . . did her publicist leave her? Just like her husband . . and now, her dance partner. Homegirl, take it from me, its called editing. Whatever, I'm not nagging the life out of everyone around me with horrible extensions. You just do you, girl. I would suggest that the next time you're on the dance floor and you're supposed to be doing the foxtrot but you have no fucking idea where you are - bust out into the MC Hammer or an interpretive dance of any kind - trust me, it will get you far in life. Much further than those 8 children will, believe that. I mean mother of God, Buzz Aldrin looked better than K8 - and he's been to the goddamn moon and back. Take the hint, K8.

Okay, enough of this mixed race bullshit for today. I've got to go work (on my tan) and get ready for a meeting (with a new stylist) this morning. Don't fret though, I promise I'll be back. Don't scoff, its not a good look for you darling.

And good day.