July 12, 2010

I'm so scared . . of oil? Hell no.

Hey y'all hey - I hope this . . . message finds you well - it is a message of sorts, isn't it? I guess that's neither here nor there . . . anyway, I know it’s been a while and I'm sorry I haven't called. I've been so busy lately . . . with what? Well, you should’ve already known, but I’ll make you feel like a jackass and catch you up to speed. First and (not) foremost, those quakes in the Caribbean, then Nashville flooding (or was it Memphis? . . .) - not to mention the shit-tuation happening in/on the Dirty Third (for those of you who couldn't get in to the public ivy that is The University of Texas at Austin, the "Dirty Third" is, of course, the third coast of America - obvi the Gulf of Mexico - shout out to Padre and Spring Break (for all 3 of my) Senior Year(s)!) Oh volunteering? Give m e a fucking break – I turned down Peace Corps because I’ve already have a favorite illegal for my manicures – and volunteering like in America’s disasters? Bitch please, isn’t that why our Border Patrol fucking sucks – someone give Cesar Chavez a call. To be serious, it’s the flipping and scrolling past pages and pages of downer headlines that’s been keeping me too damn busy – but when I get to the good stuff – well you had to assume I’d be back. And trust – a lot of good shit has been going on.

Let me go ahead and get the most pressing “real” news – by which I mean, allow me to give you my opinion – out of the way. This crazy oil spill or un-capped well or rig-gone-wild. Call it what you will – but apparently its ruining the summer vacays/life’s work/entire ecosystems for like thousands of things (pretty sure I can combine (1) Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, (2) egrets (I fucking hate those birds, by the way.), and/and (3) anyone who was born or resides in the state(s) of Louisiana, Mississippi or Alabama – and Florida too, if we’re counting, in the same group titled “Things”). This is an obvious problem. I know real Americans don’t like seafood, so don’t start giving me shit because you think I’m bitching because I can’t get my Oysters Rockefeller (you’re welcome for that bulimia assistance). Quite simply – all the moaning everyone is doing about the whole occurrence – whether its Rachel Carson (are there other environmentalists besides Rachel Carson? . . . okay, you’re right, you may add Al Gore with an asterisk) or that flashy looking former BP chap in charge of the whole deal – just . . . shut the fuck up. You all nearly caused me to miss an advertisement on ABC Family for the upcoming Emmy-winning series with my best friend, Raven Symone: "Revenge of The Bridesmaids" – not to mention I very nearly missed Lindsay Lohan’s Lo-Hands (please know that I copyrighted that shit circa August 1, 2007). We can obviously address the former, and the latter, in an upcoming post – but before you say it – I’ll agree with you on Lohan – as if her freckled, pastiness wasn’t offensive enough . . . but coupled with a tie-dye manicure? Insult to injury!

I’d like to solve this whole BP Oil: Crisis in the Gulf shit like 10 minutes ago – just so I can save myself the trouble of having to hear about something that has no negative ramification for any aspect of my life at all. Obvi the caps aren’t working and despite their best efforts – the US government and/or British Petroleum execs (as if we needed another reason – besides “Taxation Without Representation” to h8 those conniving Red Coats . . . ) cannot seem to figure out a way to put a finger in the dyke (figuratively speaking, naturally.) I always get tired of people talking about “learning from history” and all that – except of course when that crazy house elf uses the phrase in Harry Potter: The Chamber of Secrets, obvi – but in this situation – we need to go back – go way back. No, not to the Exxon Valdez or . . . Well, I think that’s the only oil spill I can mention off the top of my head . . . we need to go back to October 21, 1991. Why?

October 21, 1991 was the day, my fellow Earth Day non-celebrators- that is the day that the “Pipe Dream” episode of “Saved by the Bell” aired. If you haven’t seen it – the basic plot is as follows: oil is found on the grounds of Bayside High School (and after seeing this episode – I always played baseball by any pond within walking distance), Bayside’s gonna be rich!, Jessie protests and chains herself to an oil well in front of Belding’s office, the oil well or pipe or whatever bursts, the gang (most notably Slater) gets covered in oil (don’t mind if I do!) and their pet duck (along with tons of other pond wildlife) nearly dies! OMG! You’re welcome for the recap. And yes, that shit was tragic when I was seven – and I didn’t even have a pet duck! Anyway – bottom line – we need to call Jessie-fucking-Spano. Yes, for those of you that saw the episode- you’re right, Jessie’s earrings were made with petroleum which Slater and Lisa bring to our attention – but that’s neither here nor there. A quick-thinker like Spano would fix this shit – didn’t she go to Yale or Princeton or some shit? And you know what? Homegirl wouldn’t stop until the oil-filled waters of the Gulf were returned back to the disgusting muddy brown they were before. And if she couldn’t (in like . . . a day) . . . ? Throw some No-Doz in her Jansport (to replace what Zach and Slater yanked, of course) and J. Spano will be good to go, pulling a page out of MJ’s book, I’d bet money she wouldn’t stop ‘til (we) got enough – or whatever. In summation, IDFK about y’all – but I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so excited for Jessie to fix this fucking leak – so I can get on with some real news.