January 31, 2012

The Donald is Ludacris! (lit/fig): Part One.

Have you guys been as busy in this New Year as I haven’t been? I surely hope so; an idle mind makes my longer-than-brief absences all the more painful. I think it goes without saying I hope you had the happiest of Chinese New Year celebrations, and would like to express my disappointment in you not even R.S.V.P.’ing for my annual C.N.Y. party at the local Panda Express. It was very authentic, trust me.
I surely would have thought that by now, the start of February, the Grand Old Party would have settled on one candidate to represent their party in the Presidential Election, which, at this point, is a mere 282 days away. Unfortunately, we still have four in the running.  I know you’ve all been watching the debates (19 down so far! And America is better off for it!), and I sympathize with y’all. Who are we going to pick to run against Baracka Flocka Flame? (cue up “Round of Applause.”)

Speaking of award-winning hip-hop music, the other day I got to thinking just how similar the G.O.P. candidates are to rap stars, both past and present (I mean, among other people, of course). I had been working on this blog post for about a week when I noticed, this morning, TourĂ© quoted BIG’s “Juicy” in describing Florida’s second favorite homeboy: Newt Gingrinch. I, by no means, am claiming that TourĂ© stole my idea (that I had been diagramming for days, as mentioned above) – I mean, he hasn’t been over in weeks! I am saying great minds think alike, and that I realized I better get to this shit before another candidate drops out of the race!

Let’s get started. For your reading pleasure I’ve broken it down by characteristic, rather than candidate.

Endorsements (or “Endorsementz”)

It’s no surprise both rappers and presidential wannabes love that cold hard cash (paper, $crilla, or any other appropriate jargondepending on “where yo’ hoot at”). Dropping those beats (both on the debate stage and off) doesn’t always line your pockets immediately, and god knows there’s always lag time while we wait for your follow-up album to drop. If we’re keeping illegal hobbies out of this comparison (which, from the rap stars and politicians I know, we are) then a side-hustle is a must. The key to this endeavor is to endorse a product that allows you to stay true to you, and maintain your street cred.  It’s also important to associate yourself with a solid brand, and one that won’t drop you when you catch a case – embezzlement or weapons charges or anything, for that matter.

Donald Trump. Remember when he was running for President? I know, it was far too short-lived for my liking, but thankfully, he’s managed to stay enough in our spotlight to be laughed at on the daily. Now, like myself, I know the first thing you think of when you see his adorably-rosacea’ed face is his cameo in “Home Alone 2.” I also know that immediately after remembering Kevin McAllister’s clever antics in the big city, you consider Donald Trump, the man, and then you think of Double Stuff Golden Oreos. Am I right? I know, we are so in sync. Who doesn’t love the white-trash cousin of America’s favorite overstuffed cookie? Exactly. The same people who love The Donald.

Donny’s has-been counterpart? Ludacris, of course, and you already know I’m talking about his surprising, but super enjoyable Radio Shack commercials this past Christmas season. Before hearing the sweet bass of Chris Bridges’ voice pushing some shitty, overpriced BeAttTtZzZZ headphones, I hadn’t thought about Radio Shack since I had to do that circuits project in middle school (I got an A, BTW.) The advertisements certainly didn’t compel  me to travel to my nearest Radio Shat (typo, that, even though it makes me cringe, will stay), but I’m pretty sure if my grandfather could’ve turned the volume up on the television in time for the commercial, he most certainly would have put on Bermuda shorts and his newsboy cap and checked the inventory. Talk about Ludacrissmas!

I can’t say whether or not either endorsement was worth the time or the money (certainly wasn’t worth mine) but, I digress. When I started this, I had no idea how many likenesses existed between the candidates (both for the Republican Presidential Bid and to be the Illest MC in the Game). The loss of their dignity has already been our gain. Be sure to catch me on the flip for the next installment. Until we go on to the next one, I think it’s safe to say Donald and Ludacris, for now, are fired.

I've titled this: "Looks Like Trump got Trumped, bitch!"

January 7, 2012


I am an expectant mother. I expect I'll have kids in, like, a decade.

January 3, 2012

Never gonna give you up.

I'm pretty sure Rick Santorum wins for 2012's best real-life "Rick Roll."

Here's to the Iowa Caucus . . .
finally being over.