Listen. A lot's been going on in the news lately. What else is new? Just when I think I can rest on my laurels (you’re welcome for that adorable image, by the way) and enjoy a nice glass of the finest of flavored liqueurs, shit hits the fan again, and I’ve got to get back on the beat. I know – my poor laurels! Motherfuckers.
Unlike most breaking-news reporters – who just inform their viewers of the daily goings-on in their communities, I like to offer a solution to whatever problems grace the front pages of our hometown papers each morning. (Yes, I still subscribe to my daily paper – I like to give back, and also – its good for starting fires – in my fireplace, suckers.) Anyway, back to the beat. I’m sure you’ve all heard about the tom-foolery and horseplay that’s been going on up at Penn State. Jesus Christ. I mean really. Sodomy? And of adolescent boys! Ghastly. Moral issues, aside, isn’t sodomy like outlawed in the Bible? God knows the people of Pennsylvania are a God-fearing folk (I here am referencing Ben Franklin, the Quakers . . and the Amish and their amazing baked goods) and the last person they want to piss off is the Big Guy. Triflin’!
And that motherfucking phone interview! What on earth would possess the alleged rapist to phone it in with Bob Costas! ( . . . of all people, I know, he’s top par and a class-act by any standards.) His lawyer? His therapist? (That’s a shout out to SNL’s “Jeopardy” by the way – get it? remember it? “The Rapist” . . . ? Hats off to you Sean Connery/Daryl Hamond, hats off.) But did you catch the ‘view? Silly! Mother of God. I’m going to take your word that you, in fact, do watch Brian William’s new show which aired the call. If not, well, I mean, I don’t know. Get the fuck with it.
Jerry Sandusky, shockingly, basically just laughed the whole thing off – a short chuckle and in one or two mumbled sentences, denied forced-ass play (also lovingly called “rape”) with anyone! Bitch, please! I’ve told a lie or three in my day, and that is not the denial of someone who’s innocent – or even someone who’s putting the whole thing on her little sister! He’s just calling the whole thing horseplay! (“whores”-play; I’m on fire today!) All of it is just silly.
So it’s obvi that homeboy “enjoys kids” – and I’m pretty sure he used those exact words (not that I’m going to verify or anything, but alas). I totally get it, well, sort of! I love kids, too! I nannied five of the cutest motherfucking kids ever – and for half a decade! Keep in mind, I don’t give out compliments about being adorable to just anyone, naturally. So, Jerry and I have that in common, I guess. We don’t have anything else in common, but I wanted to offer some of my favorite activities with children – just in case he needs some suggestions to fill his time. I’ll pick out a few of the very best things I’ve taught both the children I nannied, and my little sister – all of whom are better people for it.
So, instead of “whore”-sing around in the shower with the future leaders of America, why don’t you: