December 11, 2014

My Non-Christmas List

If you haven't noticed, and much to my chagrin, the holiday season is here. Regardless of if you've decided to celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or maybe even Kwanzaa, the holiday season is in full swing, and as such, the time to buy my love is now. Even if you're only celebrating my half-birthday on December 26, the available shopping day countdown is dwindling with increasing speed. (Yes, of course I celebrate my half-birthday, let's don't be ridiculous.) 

As a fan of the finest things in life, I often find myself hella disappointed come Christmas morning. I can only imagine how many others share in this - my personal and agonizing pain and heartache. This is not to say I'm unfamiliar with getting gifts, per se. If truth be told, I'm well-versed in the act of receiving. Along that line, I give good as good as I get. After all, I shouldn't be the only one disappointed on Christmas morning, you know? This year though, I'm determined to get what I want, by letting you know what I don't want. I could make it easy on you, and tell you in detail, everything my stone-cold heart desires, but where's the fun in that? I do enjoy a bit of a surprise, after all, plus I love seeing people anguish right in front of my eyes. 

Without further delay, here's what not to get me (or anyone as pretty or smart or as witty as me, if they even exist) for whichever holiday you've decided to celebrate this year:

1. Celebrity Fragrances. This should go without saying, but if you wrap up a bottle of Justin Bieber's "Forever," it's the last gift you'll give, ever. I've long said that every person who buys a celebrity perfume or cologne (for a gift or otherwise), should be publicly shamed and lose the right to vote. Actions that, although harsh, are fair given the offense. Don't make me do this. I'm already exhausted to begin with. 

2. A Levian Chocolate Diamond. Another obvious gift non-idea here. First of all, they're disgusting. Second of all, they're a cop out. If you're giving someone a diamond for Christmas, give them one their friends will be jealous of (this is a good rule for all gifts, now that I think about it). If you have a someone in your life who'd be jealous of a karat of chocolate diamond around your neck, then this isn't the gift guide for you. Get out, now. 

3. Anything airbrushed. You blasphemous son-of-bitch. An airbrushed vanity plate or knotted tank top? In this holiday season? Surely you jest. Those are far better suited for an anniversary present and are too flashy to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Jesus may not be the reason for my season, but that doesn't mean he deserves to bear witness to your spray-painted piece of shit.  Don't insult Him, and don't insult me. 

5. A framed picture of us. You know that "really pretty" picture we took, on that "really fun" trip we went on, in the middle of that "really rad" night of binge drinking we did? Its a terrible picture and I look fat. And I didn't even have that much fun, you're a terrible navigator and we took that picture right before you spent the night with some bros in a hot tub, anyway. Not to mention those guys weren't even cuter than your husband. What a waste. Plus, as someone with a stunningly gorgeous face, I've already framed every picture I like of myself the day after it was taken. 

6. Homemade anything. You know I don't need any hand-drawn coupons for "1 Free Hug" or "A Night of Hot Sex. You also know you can't perform either successfully so save yourself the embarrassment. Please. Not to mention, handmade gifts are my thing, and how dare you? If you know me, you know I've given my dad a card that says "Thumbody Loves You" with my thumbprint and everything for the past 9 Father's Days. And he fucking hates it, too. You know who doesn't hate it? Me. Payback's a bitch but so was my childhood, Dad. (Plus, it's cheaper than therapy)

First of all, you're welcome. I've offered you an exclusive peek into my stone-hearts of stone-hearts, and I know it's all you've ever wanted. And it's a good thing too, because for the holidays this year, it's all you'll be getting.