February 27, 2015


You think feminism ruining the new "Ghostbusters" is bad? Player, please. Wait until it seeps in and destroys the most important parts of your life.

Please enjoy a short list of everything your quest for "gender equality"  has ruined in my daily goings-on, because if one thing's certain , I sure don't. 

1. My relationship with my father. (Or really any man, for that matter)

Listen, as a feminist, I know 1 thing for sure: men are the worst. It makes no difference whether we examine men individually or collectively, men have no place in feminism or capitalism or even being alive-ism. I've sworn off all men, baby men, plus any and all zygotes who might be men. And wow! It was easy, too! It's like I don't even miss the non-orgasms they were giving me several times a day. (More on that later.)

2. My legacy.

You probably aren't surprised to know that, as a feminist, I am strictly against any and all semblances of the traditional nuclear family, or any familial group if you want to get right down to it. And I'm okay with it. More than okay with it. Try celebrating a religious holiday with my family and then try to tell me you're "pro-family," I dare you. I know you're lying, because after a week with my parents you won't just be against famillies, you'll be advocating for euthanasia, and loudly, too. Suffice it to say, as a feminist, my blood line and my legacy ends with me. Since I've sworn off every man ever, of course. (Please see No. 1)  obviously means I'm staunchly pro-choice in every circumstance just like every single other feminist, ever. Since I refuse to procreate my bloodline will, of course, end with me. Some of you might be okay with that, but unless you're a feminist, I don't want or need your opinion.
3. My body. 

Listen. Gravity's been working against me my whole damn life. And feminism has only made it worse. Gone are the days of a tight, firm bosom. I had to torch my brassieres at the initiation ceremony, after all. And trust me, the lack of a good sartorial foundation is really taking its toll. Fingers crossed my new feminist sisters can make up for all the support I've been forced to give up.

4. R. Kelly. 

Growing up I was a staunch supporter of R & B's most notorious charmer. Nary a day would pass without Ignition (Remix) at full volume. Not to mention I got my first lap dance from a clumsy frat boy while listening to "Bump n' Grind." But feminism's completely ruined "Trapped In The Closet" for me. Bill Cosby's out, too. Every movie ever made by Woody Allen I've never seen? I'll miss out on those, too. Chris Brown? Totes gone. I'm okay with it, for now, I don't know though - something about preying on women (in every capacity possible) doesn't sit well with the feminist community. Go figure. But rules are rules, right?

5. My love life. 

I'll tell you what. Most men hate feminists, and I don't blame them. I imagine it's super hard to be in a relationship with a woman who demands equal treatment and doesn't even know how to make a sandwich. And there's the emasculation, too. We're taught that skill pretty early on in the indoctrination process. It's not like I miss the heartbreak though. It's exhausting looking for a man who isn't afraid of a woman who expects to be satisfied sexually several times a day, often at the gentleman's expense.  Plus the emasculation. Don't ever forget about the emasculation. 
6. Joyfulness. 

Who needs it anyway? More to the point: who's even joyful in the first place? Exactly. You know the old saying, "what you notice increases"? Originally that was about a feminist. A lot of people don't know that fact, but don't worry: I'm right here. 
7. My Non-Feminist Best Friends (even the famous ones)

Don't worry! I'm not a feminist who only hates men. I also hate some women - but only the ones who don't share my worldview. I mean, whats the point of that? Becoming a feminist means I no longer acknowledge any woman who doesn't proudly declare herself a feminist with the long denim skirt and unwashed hair to back it up. Real good feminists only surround themselves with like-minded real good feminists. Like attracts like, remember? Its a pretty simple concept, if you ask me. I'm not just talking about my boring old friends-from-high-school friends, either. Nope. Every non-feminist is out. Shailene Woodley won't be seeing me at her birthday dinner this year. No Christmas party with Kelly Clarkson in December. And I didn't even open Nicki Minaj and Susan Sarandon's annual Galentine's Day Feast invitaion this year.  Its like feminists say: "If I'm going to be miserable, then Shailene Woodley and Kelly Clarkson and Nicki Minaj and Susan Sarandon should be, too."
8. My voice.

Its gone, completely. You'd think I'd have remembered those lozenges that came in the Welcome Kit. Nothing soothes your tired pipes faster than a non-GMO organically sourced cough drop. If I'm being honest, there's a lot of yelling in feminism. I don't mind it, per se, but all the complaining - its exhausting. And they're all so angry about everything! And so aggressive and assertive over the dumbest things, too. A woman earns less than a man for the same work? Cue the feminist battle cry. Sexual abuse in the military is rampant? Fire up the feminist gang. 1 in 5 women will be the victim of rape in her lifetime? Sound the goddamn feminist alarm. 
9. Basically everything.

You're totally right. Feminism's ruined basically everything for me, and probably for you, too. Never mind that women who self-identify as feminists are more likely to have better self-esteem and body-image. Or that young feminist women were less likely to be involved in disturbed eating or whatever. And that whole sisterhood thing? Its such a myth. I'm dying here. 

I only hope it isn't too late.