March 8, 2011

Who you tryin' to get crazy with, ese?

So here I am, waiting for my car’s heated seats to get adjusted properly. As I'm being forced to endure 3 minutes (so far) of Fox's "fair and balanced" news I've been shown quite a few interesting things. My own ignorance is at fault for not realizing how close we are to the 2012 Presidential Election. I mean, obvs, my homeboy GO-bama is the democratic front runner, right? Its not really him I'm worried about. But, unsurprisingly, two of the potential candidates for the GOP have me worried. Honestly, I don't know how viable they are as potential candidates, but, let's explore. Allow me to digress. I mean Donald Trump . . . Really? It’s laughable at best. You're right, he is better than Sarah Plain (typo but it stays) but they both are embarrassing! For real, Grand Ol' Party? Jesus Christ, his hair alone counts him out. Yes, he does have a bit of Hollywood experience, but before you liken him to Ronald Reagan, keep in mind Home Alone 2 was left out of the Oscar nods from 1993. Done. Next . . .

March 7, 2011


Oh! Hello, darling(s). How goes it? (Have we addressed how much I love/hate that saying? Probably. Before you judge, please know that I . . . (a) don't give a fuck; and (b) have already done so.) I know this will not come as a surprise to any of you, but I receive so much fan mail -- especially lately. The letters (and/or collect calls) I choose to entertain touch me so. Really, you all are getting so good with your subject/verb agreements and punctuation. Way to make Mama proud. Anyway, as I was saying . . . the few messages from you all that I decide to skim through (and by that I mean have Neville and/or my sister read to me in an English accent) have, as of late, been filled with inquiries seeking my thoughts, opinions and advice on how one should handle themselves (or someone else, and yes, I do mean that very literally) in different situations. Naturally, I can't think of a better person for you to consult and I've decided that some of them are good enough (by "some of them" I mean the answers I've come up with, let's be honest here) that I should spotlight said plights here, on the blowout. With the increasingly small global community we live in today, it's only fair that I attempt to help as many people as I can (while exerting no effort whatsoever, essentially).

I can't decide how I should do this new series of posts. I've obviously come up with a hundred different clever titles, though. You're welcome in advance. I mean, should I recreate the letter verbatim -- using exact names, places and self-degrading talk? Probably. There's only one way to solve a problem, little ones, and that's facing it head on and plowing through. Keep in mind, we're all in this together. For our premiere in this new segment, keep on . . .