Have you guys been as busy in this New Year as I haven’t
been? I surely hope so; an idle mind makes my longer-than-brief absences all
the more painful. I think it goes without saying I hope you had the happiest of
Chinese New Year celebrations, and would like to express my disappointment in
you not even R.S.V.P.’ing for my annual C.N.Y. party at the local Panda
Express. It was very authentic, trust me.
I surely would have thought that by now, the start of
February, the Grand Old Party would have settled on one candidate to represent
their party in the Presidential Election, which, at this point, is a mere 282
days away. Unfortunately, we still have four in the running. I know you’ve all been watching the debates
(19 down so far! And America is better off for it!), and I sympathize with y’all.
Who are we going to pick to run against Baracka Flocka Flame? (cue up “Round of
Applause.”)
Speaking of award-winning hip-hop music, the other day I got
to thinking just how similar the G.O.P. candidates are to rap stars, both past
and present (I mean, among other people, of course). I had been working on this
blog post for about a week when I noticed, this morning, Touré quoted BIG’s “Juicy”
in describing Florida’s second favorite homeboy: Newt Gingrinch. I, by no
means, am claiming that Touré stole my idea (that I had been diagramming for
days, as mentioned above) – I mean, he hasn’t been over in weeks! I am saying
great minds think alike, and that I realized I better get to this shit before
another candidate drops out of the race!
Let’s get started. For your reading pleasure I’ve broken it
down by characteristic, rather than candidate.
Endorsements
(or “Endorsementz”)
It’s no surprise both rappers and presidential wannabes love
that cold hard cash (paper, $crilla, or any other appropriate jargondepending
on “where yo’ hoot at”). Dropping those beats (both on the debate stage and
off) doesn’t always line your pockets immediately, and god knows there’s always
lag time while we wait for your follow-up album to drop. If we’re keeping
illegal hobbies out of this comparison (which, from the rap stars and
politicians I know, we are) then a side-hustle is a must. The key to this
endeavor is to endorse a product that allows you to stay true to you, and
maintain your street cred. It’s also
important to associate yourself with a solid brand, and one that won’t drop you
when you catch a case – embezzlement or weapons charges or anything, for that
matter.
Donald
Trump. Remember when he was running for President? I know, it was
far too short-lived for my liking, but thankfully, he’s managed to stay enough
in our spotlight to be laughed at on the daily. Now, like myself, I know the
first thing you think of when you see his adorably-rosacea’ed face is his cameo
in “Home Alone 2.” I also know that immediately after remembering Kevin
McAllister’s clever antics in the big city, you consider Donald Trump, the man,
and then you think of Double Stuff Golden Oreos. Am I right? I know, we are so
in sync. Who doesn’t love the white-trash cousin of America’s favorite
overstuffed cookie? Exactly. The same people who love The Donald.
Donny’s has-been counterpart? Ludacris, of course, and you already know I’m talking about his
surprising, but super enjoyable Radio Shack commercials this past Christmas
season. Before hearing the sweet bass of Chris Bridges’ voice pushing some
shitty, overpriced BeAttTtZzZZ headphones, I hadn’t thought about Radio Shack
since I had to do that circuits project in middle school (I got an A, BTW.) The
advertisements certainly didn’t compel
me to travel to my nearest Radio Shat (typo, that, even though it makes
me cringe, will stay), but I’m pretty sure if my grandfather could’ve turned
the volume up on the television in time for the commercial, he most certainly
would have put on Bermuda shorts and his newsboy cap and checked the inventory.
Talk about Ludacrissmas!
I can’t say whether or not either endorsement was worth the
time or the money (certainly wasn’t worth mine) but, I digress. When I started
this, I had no idea how many likenesses existed between the candidates (both
for the Republican Presidential Bid and to be the Illest MC in the Game). The
loss of their dignity has already been our gain. Be sure to catch me on the flip
for the next installment. Until we go on to the next one, I think it’s safe to
say Donald and Ludacris, for now, are fired.
I've titled this: "Looks Like Trump got Trumped, bitch!"
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