August 7, 2008

oh, SNAP. re-post.

on the real y'all. i can understand everyone loving angie with her small arms and over-sized lips. but once you add her united nations clan, in addition to the same four pieces of clothing she rotates weekly . . . i just don't think one of you can really prove to me she's worth your obsession, point blank. enough. i never want to hear of an angelina jolie girl crush every again. until she cures aids, or the common cold or wins a people's choice award. at this point, i'll accept anything.

you know, picking a girl crush isn't easy. trust me. i've seen countless 'tween movies and logged even more hours between the pages of seventeen, cosmo and vf in this quest. being the witty broad that i am, you can't pick just anyone. its always good if they are hot in the moment right now. of course. natalie portman? too smart. ashlee simpson? the 'makeover' did her in (in addition: her boyfriend and his guyliner would win my vote in a contest any day).. so you really aren't left with a big selection. paris hilton is played out. nicole ritchie had a kid with a member of 'good charlotte' who sang that song--oh, yeah THAT'S RIGHT, i have no fucking idea. the only choice of the bad girl variety is of course lohan. i figured i'd give her an audition, loosely speaking. i'd see how like me she was and then judge. you really can't just dive into something like this. crushes, for me, are a lifelong commitment.

from there, i knew i couldn't just pick one and that be it. but where to go from there? i racked my brain. day and night. night and day. i went to the next obvious source: the disney channel.

what a wealth of budding 'tween stars! i had never been so enthralled. and now, thinking about it, where did lohan get her start? disney. walt certainly knew what he was doing. what a visionary! by this point, hillduf had a shitty perfume and a lame older has-been sister latching on to her every move. miley cyrus hadn't been forced into fame by her illiterate father at the time in question.

then, i saw her beautiful locks and rocking threads. now, before i start to sound too much like ellen degeneres (who i do adore, btw) i'll reveal. i know you're on the edge of your seat . . .

raven symone.

watching that vixen on her AWARD WINNING (yes? no? can we confirm?) SHOW "THAT'S SO RAVEN," i just fell in love. every time i heard 'oh snap!' i became more and more smitten. obvi, you can see i had a huge problem to deal with! lohan or rave (my nickname for her, of course) . . . ?

on one hand, i had linds. i painted my nails white then black, dubbed them "lohands" and briefly picked up cocaine (ok, kidding! i don't condone drug use unless i've got a pacifier and a glow stick) . . . and on the other, i began learning to dance, while being clumsy and adorable at the same time, a la raven. and then, they were published. the vanity fair undressed lohan pics.

jesus christ. its not that i "don't care for" all redheads, just . . . okay, no, i fucking hate redheads and the unfortunate hand of fate they have been dealt. really, the problem is the spotted body. who does that? leopards . . . ? what was jesus thinking? i would pull an oedipus if i had to look at continuous pale skin and freckles. and by zeus' mighty bolt of lightning, lohan's got 'em. no wonder she was in rehab for all of 2007. i would even argue that it wasn't her abusive jersey-trash dad or his gold chain(s) fueling her insanity but that pale body she faced every morning in the mirror. if you can afford millions of dwi charges you can afford to 1. get yourself some sense and immediately after 2. get yourself a motherfucking mystic tan. those pictures really ruined lohan for me. needless to say, that was a hard day.

so raven won. i wish i could force her to look into the future and see us playing M.A.S.H. and sharing a root beer float.

(and if you don't know what i'm talking about with the visions, check yourself before you wreck yourself. educate yourself and go watch some 'that's so raven'.. for real.)

1 comment: