June 4, 2009

i'm sure opportunity knocked . . .

As I was taking my two hour 'extended lunch' today I heard some very disturbing news on the radio. Miley Cyrus is coming out with a clothing line. After I got my car back on the highway I began to think about this. Okay, Miley, I'll give you the traditional "you go girl!" - but I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy and resentment on behalf of my girl, Raven Symone.

Raven also had a hit television show on Disney (for those that have seen it - it was so much funnier than "Hannah Montana" and way more realistic, let's be honest) and has a couple albums and for a while - was the hottest thing around. You can't argue that point. And I am almost certain the knock of opportunity presented itself before Raven, I mean, Hello! she totally cameo'ed in the Princess Diaries 2! And furthermore, don't try to pretend that College Road Trip didn't get a few Oscar nods. If she were to style her clothing line to be exactly like her show - I can't even stand to think of the sheer pleasure I'd get from those purchases. My disappointment is growing with each letter typed.

I cut my lunch short and canceled a mani to get back to a location where I could gather more information on Miley's new line. Thank god I hadn't eaten lunch because I still feel sick. Literally disgusted, although, not surprised.

In an US Weekly article, Miley announced her new line - which will be sold at . . . Wal-Mart. Whew. Okay. So typical. I can't have Miley pulling a Jennifer Hudson just yet. I'm not ready. Apparently all the clothes will be under $20.00 - again, typical, and will be kind of rocker/punk/"so cute you guys!"

Miley went on to Twitter: "I'm so exited to share this wit u."

First of all - did Billy Ray forget to take Miley to grade school? I don't fucking care if you only have 140 characters available per 'tweet' - an "h" and a "yo" would have definitely fit on that shit. Embarrassing. What's even worse, as I read that, I could hear Miley squeal with excitement as she read the sentence aloud in that deep/husky/lisp in the back of her mouth voice. Thanks, but no thanks.

Second, isn't Miley like 11 and a half? That would explain the spelling - but, seriously, WTF is she going to make? Lohan has already done leggings and I honestly can't think of another wardrobe necessity for young, undeveloped boys (girls) - bibs? Onesies? I guess I'd support a bib/napkin/KERCHIEF (I'm sure that family has a collection) line - I'm also sure Miley's lisp makes talking a little messy - okay, enough.

As I clear the thought of a pre-rhinoplastic (word confirmation?) Ashlee Simpson mixed with Avril Lavigne's "Sk8er Boi" version of a 12 year old who TyPeS LiKe DiS aLL dA FuCkiNg TiMe, gross.

I (like the millions of other Raven fans) can take comfort in the fact that no, Raven won't go there, girlfriend. I mean, post-"Achy Breaky Heart" and before the obvious exploitation of his daughter, I doubt the Cyrus' had a store they frequented more often than Wal-Mart. Which is so fine, but it is no place for me or for Raven.

I'd like to put down my glass of h8erade to say this: I'm not hating on Miley, I'm just supporting Raven. I know it isn't Miley's fault that she was blessed (?) with a speech impediment - no more than Raven can be blamed for being so fucking awesome. We all have our pros and our cons. In addition - I wouldn't argue with anyone proclaiming Miley's "The Climb" to be one of the most moving, grown up, heartfelt, emotional songs ever. And even though I don't think she has a good grasp on her letters or sentence formation (which is natural for an 11 year old) you can so tell she feels it.



  1. wal mart sucks. target gets my money

  2. you are so wonderful. i hope miley reads this and weeps at the accuracy.