I hate that I only post once a week; its such a shame. IDK how y'all are surviving. In lieu of me wasting my breath, I'll just use Chris Brown's heartfelt apology video. So Google that business and instead of "Rhianna" I really mean "my millions of readers" and when homeboy talks about being a "God fearing man" (I'm sorry, man? don't even tell me that means that Rhianna gave it up) replace it with "adorable mid-twenty year old with great hair who is straddling the line between alcohol dependence, but is always a good time (lit/lit)."
So that takes care of my end of the apology. Did you all see that shit? Amazing.
I'm trying to remember what my apology video looked like when I was arrested for breaking the law and received five years probation.
Oh, that's right. I spent a week in jail in addition to a mere $25,000.
Talk about racial fucking profiling.
And to add insult to injury . . . I didn't get to head tilt in my mug shot (until I started whining) and Officer Young only snapped it once! And almost didn't let me review. Player please! If that shit's going to be public record, you better believe I'm going to need to see if I need a re-take. Duh.
So, don't hold your breath, darlings. Unfortunately there isn't a YouTube video of yours truly gazing doe-eyed at you, begging for your forgiveness. I'll leave that insincere bullshit to Breezy.
There is, however, a three-hour long blockbuster floating around with a painstaking hour's worth of field sobriety tests, a few real tears and countless side glances (in search of an escape route, obvi).
I guess Chris B. and I both are kind of on the same page right? We both like to get it "On & Poppin" (although a bit more literally for him), we both are the sincerest we can be for being so attractive and we both of are acting (or acted, my shit cleared, PTL!) extremely apologetic as long as the world (or the APD) watches! OMFG, I am the white version of Chris Brown. Huge revelation, even though I haven't won a Grammy yet - oh wait, neither has he.
So, in turn, and finally, please accept my (bullshit) apology, too, Rhianna! And to my fans, Al Sharpton, Jay-Z, my spiritual guides, my momz and/or God . . . I'm so (not) sorry, really, and that's from the heart.