August 17, 2009

Well, well, well . . .

Have I already used this title? OMFG, with the countless posts (this makes 55, if you were counting, which, LBH, we all know you were) all "up in this bitch" (overheard that late 90's gem in the Durham Post Office today . . . typical) its really hard to remember silly things like titles, and I don't feel like looking back, so here we are.

I hope you've been well; as I've been spectacular. My son finished his chores early on Saturday, and in doing so, earned his final gold star for the week -- which then allowed him and me to get some quality time at the dog park. In addition, I've taught my roommate/mother to blowout, thereby putting an end to any lingering questions about being able to teach old dawgs new trix.

I've also spent quite a bit of time with M.M. and M.C., figuratively speaking. You already know I'm referring to Marshall Mathers and Mariah Carey. Y'all know how I feel about fighting in general. So, that excitement, coupled with the incredibly checkered pasts of both parties . . . well, suffice it to say, this all has treated me right.

For those of you that don't know, I'll give you some background. M.M. and M.C. "hit it and quit it," if you will (and they both apparently did) around the turn of the century. Sadly, the two didn't click. The pair had words and most likely sent the other a few inapp. texts (yikes! GMAFB, who hasn't?) and then went on with the business of life, or so we thought. As it often does, this "moving on" took different routes for both Eminem and Mariah.

Like, for Mariah, she probs wrote all about it in her diary, made an Oscar-winning film ("Glitter"), took a quick break to go fucking batshit crazy, returned, spray-painted on a six pack or two (yikes! GMAFB, who hasn't?), released an award-winning CD declaring herself emancipated (from the chains of insanity? from the painful grip of her ex-husband/producer? from the lingering emotional damage that living on a box of dry spaghetti a week after being born to parents of different races has caused? all of the above? IDK, thoughts?) and then, after all that, found true love! Gah, what a journey. I'll say it now -- you go girl! And is there a better catch than Nick Cannon? Doubt it. He's like a total black Ashton Kutcher, except Demi has had way better success with looking young (by which, of course I mean plastic surgery). And then, because she was so happy/smitten/in need of a club-banger . . . she releases an "f. you" of sorts (lyrically at least) to her old flame, Eminem.

Now, speaking of Em, which we are . . . since he and Mariah were a rumored item he proceeded to release a sassy album in which he talks copious amounts of shit about homegirl, re-marries his childhood sweetheart, divorces said sweetheart, drops another album to mixed reviews (i.e. it was horrible), pistol-whipped some bouncer(s), got a few tattoos and (most likely) purchased several pairs of new jorts . . .all while keeping up his platinum dye job. Talk about busy! He also has a kid he supports. Whew. Makes me tired just thinking about all that responsibility.

So, now, Mariah releases this single a decade after Eminem had purged his own feelings via Track 12 on his 2001 CD. Damn. And I thought I held grudges like personal mementos. In response, our button-nosed blonde bombshell has lashed out with with a "diss" track of his own and now both melodies are littering radio airwaves like a fucking JoBros single.

Speaking from my extensive musical, fighting and shit-talking background -- Eminem wins. Here's why . . . (1) Mariah's song doesn't flow, at all. The only redeeming qualities are her mention of the Napoleon Complex and Gucci Man's (who is featured on the track) almost mutter of "crazy" during the hook; (2) Eminem is a really talented artist, I mean really a double threat -- acting and rapping. He also puts most "side-talkers" to shame. He's ruthless, and who doesn't love that? Even Elton John (and I'm going to assume his partner, David, too) is among the millions (can we confirm?) of us who are fans of Slim Shady. What's so great about his shameless response is that whilst "wild'in out" against Mariah, he disses himself, too . . and let's be honest, you all have at least one fault, right?

So! Mariah! Girl, what the hell? "Emotions"? "One Sweet Day"? "Honey"? and now this? Psh. You're better than than that! I spent my afternoons in '93 learning the choreography to "Dreamlover" with a Whip n' Chip & full-calorie Coca Cola. (Oh, for those of you that grew up "at weight" . . . a Whip n' Chip is a personal creation of 2-4 pieces of white bread, a liberal smear or three of Miracle Whip and at least 3 handfuls of whatever "chip" you happen to have in your pantry. You're welcome). And then, when she released "Hero" in the mid-90's. Heavens above! I turned off Dreamlover (I didn't need to practice, I'm a natural born dancer) and picked up a wooden spoon and made at least . . . 78 home videos of my own version of "Hero." I mean Mariah and I go way back.

This isn't to say that Marshall and I don't share a rich history, either. In fact, the only time I have ever been grounded, in my entire life, was when my Momz (searching for my diary to "scan over" or for hidden candy/drugs) found Eminem's CD. Prior to this discovery, right after it was released, the Pope (shout to JP II) wrote an article for "Catholic Digest" (more props to my Grammom for getting our fam 3 subscriptions!) totes condemning Eminem for his lyrics, and so on (um, hello, anyone ever hear of the Spanish fucking Inquisition? Don't even get me started). So the Pope ruined it for me, Joan found my shit, and I couldn't leave the house for 2 weeks! I mean, yeah, you're right, my mom's favorite song right now is a tie between "Proud to be an American" and "Lose Yourself" (yeah, by MM), but life is about change, we all know that. Anyway, I have sacrificed for Eminem . . we're obvi tight, too. It's really left me in a pickle. But, I stick with my winner.

Ah, here we are. I can't wait for this shit to continue and totally get played out and then go on for another year or so. I'd like to see some sort of dance-off or cage match or trivia challenge. And I don't know, Mariah's got Nick getting involved, and it just seems so weird. Nick hasn't even hit puberty and already he's fighting Mama's battles. Its shit like this that gets hip hop heroes shot the hell up -- R.I.P. Notorious B.I.G. (??).

All this craziness has really re-ignited how essential celebrity feuds are. I mean, it makes me so fucking jealous, I can't stand it. I haven't figured out who will be the target of my bitching, but the quest is back on, lil' boos, I can guarantee you that.


  1. i cannot wait for the jobros and hanson dis tracks to come out. that shit will be good music!

  2. you know who would have loved a whip-n-chip? notorious! (RIP)

  3. Sorry boo. Well written, but I'm such a Stan for Mariah that I can't get down with harsh criticism despite how spot on your observations may be.