No, I'm not petitioning to bring back Ben Folds (or Ben Folds Five even though they write a mean ballad about ab-whore-tion) but I do want to take a second to address some rather disturbing news I've just heard. MTV today announced their definitive top ten list of the top MC's in the game. As if the recent VMA's didn't turn me off from that god-forsaken channel enough, this was maddening.
Now, before you judge, just realize that while I'm not male, and the closest I've been to the middle class is re-instructing our maid on how I like my sheets tucked in but damnit. I do know the pain in the ass it can be to be a pretty, intelligent, tall, hilarious white girl. Before you hoodratz start bitching, gimme a second. The list is as follows, well okay, I only remembered a handful because I was so blind with rage. I think its something like Jay-Z, Wayne, some other bullshit and then 50 cent at No. 9 and so on (to No. 10). You know who was missing? Exactly, a white dude. But not just any white dude, one of my favorite jort-wearers, Eminem.
You know, because I love you so much, I've copped the list, it is as follows: 1. Jay-Z; 2. Lil' Wayne; 3. Drake; 4. Kanye West; 5. Rick Ross; 6. Gucci Mane; 7. Young Jeezy; 8. Fabolous; 9. 50 Cent; and 10. Raekwon. Now, I'll leave 1 and 2 alone, I'm a fan and I feel bad that God has punished those two with insanely unattractive faces. But Drake? Eek. My fucking Dad can karaoke Nelly's "Hot in Herrre" better than homeboy (and my dad, always the Jerry Seinfeld of the family, continually says things like: "Have you heard that new artist Drake? He's a quack!" . . . if you can't put that together, please, never let me know). Further, Rick Ross? Like I know homeboy has a raging fake cocaine addiction but come on! My rap sheet (wrap sheet? public record?) spans longer than his, and my blow habit was real. I will say No. 6 is totes legit. Any artist that can include the line "white-boy wasted" in a track and know exactly what it means probably has a grandpappy in his family tree thats caucasian. Truth. But, this list! Its pathetic. And its more pathetic that I've got to note this travesty in my J. Crew ballet flats and freshly pressed Brooks Brothers oxford shirt. Sick.
I haven't taken the time to look at the panel of judges, or read why they feel that my homeboy (after Jesus and Michael Jackson) totes got the shaft in this list. I mean, give me a fucking break. Like, I won't even get started, or take the time to put my cup of syrup down to address the fact that any/all notable Texas MCs were neglected, but Slim Shady? Bitch please! Didn't he win an Oscar for "8 Mile" . . . ? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he did.
The thing is, and I hate thinking this, but it just effects me to the core for a number of reasons. I am a staunch Eminem fan, mainly because he broke the color barrier for so many white MC's. I mean, fuck a glass ceiling and Hil Clinton (not literally, I wouldn't do that to you), but I'd rather make my "6 figures" on the turn tables and not underneath the desk of my boss. Go figure.
I don't have the time or energy to write a strongly worded and lengthy letter to the inventor of affirmative action (pretty sure I'll give Abraham Lincoln credit on that gem) but its one thing to keep me out of a sub-par university because I'm just another privileged Wake County white girl, but it is certainly another to rob the half dozen (give or take) white people from the upcoming hip-hop generation from a hero to hold on to. Sure, 50 Cent is awe-inspiring and has really had some great love songs, and otherwise. But lately? I mean go shawty.
No, seriously, Shawty, get the fuck out of here with that list, MTV. I thought you were better than that, I thought we were better than that.