January 25, 2010


So I don't really know if the Chinese/Asian/You-all-look-the-same New Year is approaching or not, nor do I have a keyboard that features Chinese characters to Encarta that shit, so let's just save the formalities and act like it is now the year of the Dog, or Rat, or whatever the fuck you want it to be. For me, I'd like to go ahead and welcome you all to the year of the Blowout. I'll be working on Chinese characters for this event (and my next tattoo) and will show you both as soon as feasible.

So, I've been doing a lot of growing up and banging out these past few weeks. We will most likely (not) discuss that later on. Apparently, I'm not the only one, though. Tiger's in sex rehab (cop out), that Johnson & Johnson girl croaked (cop out, and yes, there will be a bit more on it later), Brittany Murphy really brought Tai to life (by life I mean death, I told all you motherfuckers that weed & sk8r boi(s) will eventually kill you) and well, is that it? Jay and Conan are bitch slapping each other via NBC or CBS or who-fucking-cares. If I wanted to watch unattractive and chinny people talk shit I'd put on Mr. Ed . . . or visit the Aquarium on dollar Miller Lite night (t.m.s. shout).

Actually, lets put the above issues to bed (quite literally if you're . . well, yeah, any of the above three.) Tiger's a prick. Big fucking surprise. Seriously, yeah, I don't have the energy for that shit. Idiot. And not even because he has some supermodel wife. If you ask me, and I'm pretty sure I heard you ask my opinion a mere second ago, they're all white fucking trash and/or from Jersey . . except for Tiger himself, he's mulatto.

Anyway, let's move on to Casey Johnson. Right, I know you don't know who the fuck that is because you're an adult. She was the Johnson and Johnson heiress. She fucked up. A year ago, she was in an interview that I happened to catch while I was time-filling, and she was bitching about not wanting to be known as "that Johnson & Johnson girl." Whew. Shut the fuck up. I hate people looking good fortune or a gift horse in the mouth. Homegirl doesn't have to worry though, I highly doubt she'll ever hear anyone calling her "that (dead) Johnson & Johnson girl" again. Ever.

And Brittany Murphy. Really? You ungrateful bitch. This sort of makes being a "virgin that can't drive" a little less painful, eh? Don't you worry Cher, we know you did what you could with what you had. It reminds me of the time a friend of mine and I tried to make over some girl in seventh grade. IDK (or care) if she's dead but I should have known the afternoon at the mall was slated to be a disaster when she brought $20 with her for a haircut, pair of acceptable denim shorts from the gap and some Birkenstocks. Idiot bitches. Bottom line, we didn't know she was Jewish or that she would thank us by wigging the fuck out and trying to kill us via gym locks flying through the air later that year. She did dye her hair blue though, and, that's worse than being crazy or Jewish, or both, combined - she opened herself right up for public ridicule and verbal abuse. Because I'd like for her to leave my roommate/mother's house with all of the bullets left in her rifle, I'll end this tale here, but, damn, some people are just hopeless from the start.

Harsh? I know, that venom has been building. Anyway, fuck it, its so lovely to have you back.

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