"Only in America"

I love that phrase - I first heard it when I told my parents I had a crush on Roger from "Sister Sister" (don't judge me) and its still so true. There are countless things you couldn't do anywhere else, like, for example, spitting your gum on the ground - unless you wanted to try your luck in a public caning, but, whatever.

Anyway, I noticed that its National Doughnut Day. Thank god! If there's one thing we need right now - in a time when unemployment is low (fingers crossed that no one reads the news - 9.4% - "Still under 10!") and Americans are looking thinner than ever, its a fucking piece of pastry heaven.

I fucking hate doughnuts & for the life of me, couldn't remember the reason. Then it came to me. Here, come closer, let me share.

It was 2002, and after a long night filled with factory installed subwoofers and Boone's farm, a dear friend and I stopped at the downtown Krispy Kreme. I can see your naive mouths watering right now, and, at one point I would have reacted the same. We pulled into the drive-thru and I ordered a Boston Cream. Abso my fave. I still resembled a cue ball with a full fringe bang (thanks Mom) and knew my way around a drive-thru, especially this one. The second that I began to enjoy one of the doughnuts I'd purchased . . . my dear pal says, in between her freshly made doughnut holes . . .

"Oh! I don't order Boston Creams! You know why? Because they use man juice in that cream."

Right. Those exact words, verbatim. I should have paused there and addressed the fact that my best friend had just used the phrase "man juice" in high school, but hindsight is always 20/20.

While a logical thinker would dismiss this right away - we were in downtown Raleigh, and I doubt this KK had stellar health scores. To my dismay, I haven't made my way through anything resembling a doughnut since.

It worked out for the best though - the steep decline in doughnut consumption (and brief cocaine habit) led to an emaciated look that immediately followed a short 4 years later. Thanks, friend!

So thanks but no thanks! Do I hate missing arguably one of the greatest American holidays this year, or any year for that matter? Abso-fucking-lutely. But sadly I won't be forking over $.79 for any cream today . . . after all, I'm done with college.