September 29, 2009

Hello Kitty > Ed Hardy.

And a very good afternoon to you, little one! So, I know you look to me for guidance & advice on things like what not to wear and who not to bang (without a forced window escape) but I've got some news to break to you. Jon Gosselin's been dropped from TLC's award-winning reality blow show. I know, first it was MJ's passing, and now this. I'm going to keep this short (like Jon himself) and just say a prayer of t-h-a-n-k-s. Jesus is always watching out for our best interests, and this is proof.

I hate to brag (fine, you know me too well; I've never hated bragging) but I felt this shit coming on. No, really. As I was driving to work this morning, I heard some story about Jonny's favorite "pick-up" line. To start, I think its safe to say that the only thing Jon Gosselin should be picking up is a buffer to finish my fucking manicure, but alas, I'll continue. Apparently, after skipping into any New York City club, J.Goss's go-to-line is, simply: "I'm single." He's used that gem to attract plenty of really attractive bitches (and I am using really attractive objectively, like, for a Jewish girl and/or someone with a hooked-nose, just to clarify).

The ironic thing is . . . Jon's not single. IDK about y'all, but if I was to pretend that I'd even consider banging a gentleman unable to hit the "Must be this Tall to Ride" mark at Busch Gardens and J. Goss sauntered up to me with that shit line, I doubt we'd hit it off. Now, I know what you're thinking and you're totes right. Yes, in 2004, I was rumored to have started saying that "everyone is the same height lying down," but you've gotta draw the line somewhere. Furthermore, Jonny, you aren't single. In fact, he hasn't been single since he allowed that buzz-cut, almost-ex-wife of his to go on and plow out 8 kids. Let's be honest, any dumbass fellow with 1 kid might as well have the clap . . . but 8? Holy shit, he sure must have had faith in his marriage when he took that plunge, because I can't think of one functioning person I've ever encountered that would have the desire to pile on that amount of baggage, no matter how many Bartles & James promotions he's attended. Homeboy's lugging around 8 lifelong STD's and a pitbull named Kate.

To conclude, you're welcome for the urgent and extremely important news. I guess, if I had to say, I'm glad that jackass is off the show. I don't watch it, nor will I ever, but I do revel when we can 'stick it to the man,' who, in this case, is only slightly taller than Danny DeVito. Hopefully VH1 is working to get J. Goss his own show, I'm keeping my fingers crossed on this one. I'd love to see what he's up to with that trash-journalism Glassman chick, I'd DVR every episode of them jetsetting across the Shanghai, reading each others' fortunes aloud, and binding each others' feet. A humble suggestion though, if I may be so bold, to the future producers and bachelor himself: From here on out, how about we see a little less of "almost open/closed eyes" and a whole lot more of the following: (1) cell phone charms; (2) Hello Kitty merchandise; and (3) dry cleaning tips.

Thank you and you're welcome.


  1. ROFROR! (roll on the floor raugh out roud). you know what else they say about asian guys? well, let me just say, if he could reach, i wouldnt have needed all of those fertility drugs to get pregnant.

  2. Jon and the girl he's currently banging will no doubt resurface on Celebrity Tool Academy.