September 30, 2009

You knew it was coming.

So, its Wednesday (that was when I started this shit, sometimes I hate my FTJ), and I trust you've had a pleasant September 30, 2009 ... I know I have. I know you all are sitting there reading and/and being adorable (obvi) and have already figured out where this post is headed and I'm here to let you know that your guestimations are correct! The topic at hand right now? Sarah Palin.

I know you've already heard she's written a book, and I want to apologize that I wasn't the Geraldo Rivera to your news-hungry mind, but its been a busy day. No, before you ask, I'm not going to purchase the book for myself, nor am I going to add it to my Barnes & Noble half-birthday present registry. Rather, I'm going to base the rest of this post and all further opinions about the text itself on pure assumption. Before you quote that age-old adage about the consequences one suffers from basing anything on assumption; stop ... I think its fair to say that SP has already made an ass out of herself (circa CBS News/most of what she's "done") and me, and the bitch didn't even ask permission. Allow me to clarify.

First off, Sarah's a downright quitter. I mean, really! I know she's finished this book early (or so I think I overheard on CNN) but shit dude, its the only thing, and I'm pretty sure she pressured the hell out of her ghostwriter (y'all saw that pen handing from a yarn cord around her neck, too, right?). But I mean, she quit being governor. Didn't anyone ever tell her that "winners never quit (and quitters never win)" . . . ? I used the shit out of that line to justify my social/every day blow habit. But I mean, really, its true. Palin's got no staying power, well at least as the head of Alasska. I know it didn't pay much but I read that she got some gold encrusted & embroidered knife case with her name in Native American symbols on it. Come on, that handmade shit is priceless! I guess its good to see her finish something other than a pregnancy, down syndrome or not. Whatevs, I love the Special Olympics, too.

So, the book, homegirl titled her memoirs "Going Rogue" . . . yes, I'll give you a second to really grasp how fucking mindless that title is. I mean what's this book going to have in it? Will it chornicle her 'extracurricular activities' that got her into the prestigious University of _________ (pick one out of the 6 she attended for that blank) ... ? I fucking hope so.

Okay? Back? The thing is -- when I first heard that title, after I completed LOL'ing I began to remember that I had heard that title somewhere before . . . I couldn't place it. I went to my local library to scan the card catalog. As I brushed up on my rudimentary knowledge of the Dewey Decimal system, I stumbled across the same exact title . . . written by my fucking ovaries. (Yeah, they aren't part of the 40 million illiterate American adults, but I'll save that for later.)

We all know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and my lady organs are fiesty as shit. They started the book after meeting Sarah Weddington at Texas and finished when Palin used the word "choose" and "what to do with her pregnancy" in a sentence together . . too bad she was talking about her daughter and totes leaving every other 'adult' woman in the US. Whatever. I remember their fury with Palin's woman-hating attitude - she might as well be a Little Rascal.

So, I've got to finish up here . . . we have an appointment with a copyright attorney in a half hour. Don't worry -- I'm sure they'll put it in the next edition of "Going Rogue."

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