So, I've actually got about a million things I need to share with each and every one of you, but lets start with what I want to, for a change. I know its so unlike me to do things my way, and think nothing of other people but, there's a first time for everything.
Speaking of, GObama obvi hollllla'ed at the American people and the members of Congress last night about his health care plan, the need for reform, the future of our country, and so on. Did you watch? I decided to buck my own personal trend and totally skip the speech to do something way more important . . . tan. I originally planned on giving you my thoughts on the speech having only watched clips from Fox News and CNN, like the rest of the country, but, alas, nothing lulls me to sleep better than the soothing sound of President Obama's baritone voice. Don't mind if I did.
Unsurprisingly, it was a great speech. If there's one thing that man can do (in front of a podium at least) it is speak. Methinks his mastery rivals that of my own -- last seen in Ms.Umstead's Speech writing course in the 2000-2001 academic school year; or Socrates (I'd say we're all about the same). In addition, I thought the content matched its delivery. If I had to, I'd give it 5 starts, or two thumbs up, whichever you prefer. Rather than waste my (boss') precious time listing what I think are the benefits of a health care plan that stipulates and includes what Barack's does (you all can read the bill for yourselves, I hope), lets do something a little more fun -- examine the reactions to the speech last night (and obvi, in doing so, delve deeper into the irrational fears regarding said health care bill and, even deeper, the American psyche).
Okay, I'm no Sigmund Freud, and while I have a bizarre closeness with my Mom/roommate, I don't think we've got time for all that. Instead, I'll pick two comments I found rather interesting. The most ridic is outlined below.
First of all, Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina. Can I ask you something Joey? "Seriously?" Its not that he's conservative, or even that he hails from the most lackluster state that borders North Carolina; I'm annoyed because he was a fucking jackass. Now, I'll be honest . . there are few things in life that give me more pleasure than being an obnoxious bitch - when the occasion merits such a reaction! J. Dawg thinks GObama's lying? What-the fuck-ever! But come on homeboy, couldn't you have waited to yell "you lie!" to the Prez like, after he was finished? Or maybe driven by when he was walking that ugly dog he bought?; or even from the bleachers during the President's next game of hoopz? I mean, really! Joe Wilson's mother/roommate is probably turning in her grave, I mean if she's there. And if she's not, and she didn't die of embarrassment yesterday evening, homegirl has probably been banned from all reputable establishments in her South Carolina town; which, I'm guessing is just the Crazy Steve's Fireworks shack on the side of the road near the public library, but still, shunning has the same effect, no matter the locay.
IDFK, maybe Joe Wilson is new to the whole "yelling-inappropriate-bullshit" game. If that's the case, someone just needs to give him some guidelines; get him to shadow someone really good at that shit; perhaps offer him an apprenticeship. I know what you're all thinking; that you know just the person for the job! Obvs I am so flattered for you all to think of me, and yes, Joe Wilson (R-SC), I accept your application for indentured servitude under my (loving, albeit whip-yielding) watch.
Really, all I would do is let him accompany me to one of my sister's state championship lacrosse games; and being the fucking bad ass that she is; there are hundreds to pick from. We would go and sit in the bleachers, face paint in tow. I can see it now; lil' by my side. He'd probably try to bring some manner of a loudspeaker, and his attempt would be in vain; just us being there, with the voices that God gave us, will prove to be loudspeaker enough. I know you're thinking that a high school lacrosse game is exactly the kind of moment one shouldn't "heckle" during. But, of course, as you always are, that's wrong. Its the perfect opportunity. Hundreds of easilyoffendable parents, children, siblings, friends and teachers of the young women playing on the field surround you; and after all, we are doing this with offense, duh. It really doesn't matter what we'd yell, as long as we eased on into it (that's what she said). I'd probably start off with some positive cheers for my team, throw up the cougar claw and bellow out hurrahs for each goal we would undoubtedly score. Despite the fact that the score has never gotten even remotely close, for some reason, two minutes into every single game, I start to get anxious, that the opposing team is getting a little too much comfort from the "Good Try!" or "You'll get them next time!" from their fans and I just switch into the "belligerent ass clown" mode - I know y'all are familiar. And that's when I take it to a whole new level,obvi . Joey and I would throw in a few insults to the referee, you know, the usual, asking him if he stole his uniform from Foot Locker; and quickly advance comparing him to the great Stevie Wonder or Helen Keller; peppered with a few "Blow me Ref!" screams in there. Makes me excited just thinking about it! And we all know, once you throw out a "Blow me!" call (or any variation thereof) its game over and the remaining three-quarters of the game becomes a free-for-all, not to mention more enjoyable for me. As back up, if good ol' Joe Willy wasn't up to par (I have a feeling he might be developmentally or at least learning disabled), I'd just get Nancy Pelosi to make her reaction face she did last night - ya know, the face that said "You ignorant motherfucker!" and take a picture, a bring that with me for all lessons. No problem.
I know what you're thinking - but I think you have to be at least old as shit to win a Nobel Prize (I do appreciate the nod though!).