September 22, 2009
I've been waiting for dayz to have this chat with you. I won't waste any time and get right into it. I've really been aching to further discuss the Video Music Awards and since you bitches have totes been M.I.A. (more figuratively than Indian) from my life lately, I had to talk to the big guy about the VMA's, I just felt like there was way more that needed to be said. So I kept forgetting and then I've been so busy lately and on and on. Anyway, this morning, as Michael and I were driving to work (well, really Michael, Dirty Diana and myself (three's never a crowd with MJ in the mix) ). . . I broached the topic of the VMA's. Apparently Michael hadn't had a chance to watch them yet, but I described the general chaos that became of one of the (if not the) greatest awards show in history. I didn't want to dig too deeply for a number of reasons, namely, methinks Michael feels a little silly about his 1994 performance with Lisa Marie. I mean, yes, they were young and in love, but such a blatant display of affection should have saved itself for soft core porn; where it belongs. Also, I remembered that MJ hadn't been nominated in some time, not even for his collabo with Jay-Z . . I didn't want to pour salt on the wounds, after all --
Anyway, surprisingly, he didn't have much to say about the awards, so I am here now, bringing this to you. I feel a bit like a jackass, like a parent who has forgotten to show at their daughter's ballet recital or any of her elementary piano recitals (no, I do not speak from experience). Everyone has been so up in arms about Kanye and Taylor Swift and how Beyonce really does have the best video of the millennium. I've totes covered that topic. You all know how I feel about Kanye's truthburst but I think we've neglected the biggest asshole of the night - Lady Gaga.
Listen, here is your attention, homegirl/boy. We all know you didn't wear any of those horrible outfits because they were fashion forward or because they covered the fact that you have both man and woman parts. (Cue Jamie Lee Curtis . . what? You didn't know? Eek - sorry to ruin Disney's "Freaky Friday" re-make for you.) You wore them for shock value. Okay, you go girl! I don't have time to talk about your extra chromosomes (is that what they're called? I didn't take a lot of science in college, go fig) but like shit, dude(tte). As soon as I saw her birds nest hat I just spit in disgust. Its like Bjork and that damn goose outfit. Does anyone remember who won best album of 2003 (or whatever year it was?) Fuck no. They just remember that goose egg sitting at that Swedish whore's feet. I think people should have really been way more mad at Bjork than they were. It so takes away from the awards themselves. Like, say Kanye didn't make an ass out of every black man with designs in his hair wearing skin-tight jeans, the show totes would have gone to Gaga. Can you imagine how fucking pissed she is? Like she barely made it up on to stage for nothing! Exactly - we all knows she's pinning the fuck of of her Kanye voodoo doll as we speak.
If you know me, then you know I'm so all about giving credit when and where its due. So here are your props Lady(Lord?) Gaga. I'll never forget that time you Stevie Wonder-ed up on stage looking like a whore that had just stumbled through my Grandmother's collections of hand made doilies. I wish that you had gotten to show off the jackass that you truly are, as you maliciously wore that horrible get-up in an effort to take awe away from Pink's nimble performance, or the MJ tribute. You selfish fucking man-bitch, you were the second show stealer (that no one cares about this year) . . . I'll be waiting with bated breath for next year, little one. Don't you worry.