October 2, 2009

Yes, Alex, I'll take "The Blowout" for $1000, please.

Well, I know you're speechless having realized this is like my third post in one day. You're welcome. If you know me at all, you'll know that I was blessed with far above average intelligence. I know, its not fair, my homeboy Jesus also graced me with fabulous hair, dashing wit and a button nose, as you well know. But back to that intelligence. I'm not here today to tell you that I read "War and Peace" in second grade, or that my teachers wanted me to skip fourth and fifth grade. What I am here to discuss is far more important, and a subject that I have a deeply personal and complex relationship with . . . "Jeopardy." Allow me to elaborate.

I grew up watching that shit. Its marvelous. I still remember the first "Final Jeopardy" I answered correctly, at age 5 (the answer was "What is a duck-billed platypus?" ... truth). I know you aren't surprised. I spent an entire summer internship filling out interesting trivia (along with my contact information) on fucking 3x5 index cards addressed to the show, and yet, I've never been on. When I am on, though, I don't want you to worry. I won't be one of those lame ass contestants telling you about the time I did something incredibly boring that no one in their right mind gives a shit about (with a lisp, to add insult to injury!) -- like most of the ass clowns they feature. Mainly because I'm better than that, and you are too, and I'd never dream of disrespecting you. Furthermore, you would never think someone with hair like mine would be anything but incredibly fucking interesting . . . and you'd be absolutely right.

After a disgusting contestant introduction on last night's program, I have compiled a short list of some of the possible quips I would have Alex tell the viewing audience in his adorable (albeit obnoxious as shit) Canadian accent. They are as follows:

1. My little sister is blond/hair (naturally), blue-eyed & adorable. In the late 90's a rash of little girls that looked just like her were getting snatched up left and right. In response, I forced/taught her to escape out of a moving car at speeds up to 18 mph. Its impressive, and she can still do it.

2. After a crushing second place county-wide Accelerated Reader finish at the end of my 3rd grade, I spent the rest of elementary school reading non-fiction books about the history of states and presidents. No one knew I could give a shit about either subject - I really was only doing it for the AR points; and non-fiction earned double points. Bitch please, I also never came in second place again.

3. When I was 12, I ran away. . . to the library. Or started to at least. I didn't realize it was like 2 miles away. Thankfully, my Dad came to get me, took me to the store and made me my favorite lunch. All was right again, obvi.

4. In my 11th year, I penned a letter to President Clinton urging him to ban gangsta rap. This was the result of Snoop Dogg and his cop-killin' ho activity. Thank god he didn't listen (I mean, not that he would.)

5. In high school, when I would come home plastered, I'd wake my sister up from her slumber and force her to read me the famous childhood classic "Miss Nelson is Missing" in an English accent, while feeding me saltines that she broke into small, bite-sized pieces. Boys in college had to do this, too. Suckers.

6. Despite the fact I'm an amazing literary presence and master wordsmith, I fucking hate Billy Shakespeare.

7. I, along with 2 of my very best friends, gave "rickyboxing" a whole new meaning in 2002.

8. I never got hungover until I was 19 ... and it was because Sweethearts made the mistake of putting me in charge of four bottles of Everclear. Rather than carry them around (they were so fucking heavy), I added them to the mix, literally. Among many other travesties of the night, four Iron Spikes spent most of the night trying to find my heels and phone in Lake Travis.

9. A similar instance to number 8 occurred a year (2 months) later, except this time it involved a Britney Spears home-made music video, 6 bee stings, 2 skinned knees, a joint, Bubba Sparxxx, and 48 ounces of fine Carlo Rossi sangria in a "Younglife" Nalgene bottle.

10. As you better have read, my first fist fight occurred on a breezy September day in 1994 because someone told me to get my ass off of their property. First off, it wasn't their property. Second off, Joan said it was okay "as long as i didn't throw the first punch." Done & done.

11. I've been writing English essays for cash since I was 14. Suckers.

12. When I was "younger" (18); I was so much sneakier and way more of a bitch, and would spend hours trying to find my sister's diary. Upon doing so, and perusing every page, I would flip to the next unfilled sheet and write her a note, signing it "Your Secret Admirer."

13. The only time I ever was grounded was occured when my mom found Eminem's CD underneath my matress -- at the time he was strictly forbidden in our house. Now? Oh, that's right, my mother/roommate's favorite song is the theme to "8 Mile."

14. My first day as a nanny, my lovely little brats locked me out of their house and refused to let me back in; despite bribes of candy, cake, toys, whatever. They finally relented when they realized I was on the phone with the cops and Santa Claus, who was stopping by the police station. You can be certain I was never locked out again.

15. When i took my Notary Public oath, my first public office, I had my fingers crossed. Suckers.

16. I have a hate/hate relationship with Lance Armstrong; you will hear this story one day.

17. After a "date" (which was really an attempt to avoid a walk of shame) at Threadgill's, homeboy ran out of gas in West Campus right before the station on 26th Street. As he got the gas can out of his trunk, and ran off to fill up, I made a quick decision. I took my heels off and ran 5 blocks back to Waterford. I've never run so fast in my life, and I'm sure I never will.

18. "Putting it on the Johnson tab" & the "USPS Return Address scheme" are, to date, my two most important contributions to the world and successful ways that I have managed to not ever waste my money on shit like drinks or stamps.

19. I have talked about testicular cancer with Tom Green.

20. The first mistake I "dated" (before learning to bang out) owned every single "Not That's What I Call Music!" volumes ever produced up to 2004 . . . oh, also, it was 2004. And no, jackass, I didn't know it until he tried to "set the mood."

Well, there you have it. A minuscule sampling. Feel free to forward to Alex Trebek with a heartfelt "hello!" from yours truly.

Do I even need to say it?


You're welcome.


  1. This is too funny for words - I can't breathe I'm laughing so hard...

  2. in my country, "now that's what i call music" is known as a status symbol. it goes hand in hand with denim shirts and blue jeans.

  3. hilarious...and ps..miss nelson is missing...is one of my most fav's as well :)