The last post was my 100th post. You're so welcome! Yes, in lieu of gifts to charitable donations, please send all congratulatory presents/monetary donations/travelers cheques directly to me. Ahh, thank you. Its certainly a milestone, and to think, a silly bitch inspired it all (then ruined it, but then re-inspired it) . . . big ups to that. Let's save the true celebration for something more important, like 105th blowout post, or when Raven Symone becomes a Twitter follower of @theblowout. Alas, I digress. So much has happened in the last ten days, I hardly know where to start. Anyway you look at the sen-say-tional bullshit that's been in the news lately, its almost too easy. Perhaps bulleted/numbered points so we can bring each other up to speed . . . ? Methinks, yes.
1. Tiger Wood(s). Y'all knew I was going to start here. Its far too easy, as stated above. I mean, really? Seriously Tiger? Cheat on your mannish, yet fair-skinned Swedish wife with Jersey trash? Please, give me a second while I finish up that yawn. As the endorsements start to drop (or I guess I should say finish dropping) keep in mind that this is what you get for being a motherfucking idiot. 11 girls have come out of the . . . wood (get it) work to claim they nailed the caramel skinned anomoly of the whitest sport ever. You go girls! I mean, even though the fact you hooked up with Tiger Woods and aren't a hooker means you not only were underpaid, but you banged an ugly dude. Pity sex is only for ugly people. It makes me shudder just thinking about it. If Tiger played tennis, I wouldn't be so worried. He would have grown up idolizing Arthur Ashe and would probably keep his shit clean, but golf? Who's the role model there? Happy Gilmore? Exactly. Dumbass. If I were Tiger (and thank god Joan had more sense than that) I'd tell him not to worry about Cadillac dropping his ass. I mean, let's be honest . . . who hasn't banged out in the back of an Escalade with a married man. Right. We all have.
2. The Jackson 5 Show premiered last night. I mean really, despite the fact that the first episode was filmed B.MJ. in Spring and shit, it might as well be called the Jackson 1: Jermaine and his crazy Middle Eastern wife, Jermajesty, Siggy and that horrible has-been Kanye scarf he wore to the mosque. I'm pretty sure Tito could get a cameo credit for that horrible moustache he's sporting. I mean, really? This further proves my point that Michael Jackson was so extra-ordinary he probably wasn't human. (That hope also has me believing in robots and aliens and all kinds of crazy shit . . I've waited 10 years for Biggie to come back, I'll hold out for Biggie and Michael).
3. Iran is going bat shit crazy(ier) with those goddamn nukes. Every time I get a "Breaking News Headline" from the Washington Post and it starts with "Iran" and a colon mark, I hold my breath. Why don't they just put something along the lines of the following:
From: Washington Post
Subject: Iran: "We don't give a fuck!" and or "Blow me!"
Because seriously, they don't and they wish. I mean they really could give a shit about US/us. Lit and fig. And that's totally fine. They don't want McDonald's or Beanie Babies or to see the faces of women up in their shit? Whatever. I've got way more important things to be doing while I'm enjoying my Diet Coke and Marlboro Light. Like focusing my efforts on real news and actual important happenings and goings on in our world today.
Speaking of, where the fuck has Jon Gosselin been? Don't worry, I'll let you know immediately.