99 problems.

. . . and yes, a bitch is one. Okay not really, but, allow me to explain. You're probably wondering where I've been. I hate that my absences are creating a rift between us, darling. As the subject line states, I've got a new bitch in my life. Oh, no, no, only in the strictly scientific-est of terms. Her name is Lucinda, and she is the cutest bitch I've ever seen (when not looking in a mirror.) You can admire below. I know, I know, adorable. You're absolutely right. I somehow must have forgotten about all the work a little one takes. Thank god my roommate/mother is around to do some (by "some" I mean "all") of the grunt work, and any other work after the grunting is finished. The birth canal voyage is the least of Joan's problems nowadays. But enough anatomy. Let's move on.



I've been celebrating a self-hanukkah. I don't know how to spell it, nor do I care enough to right click to activate the "Spell Check" feature. I doubt Merriam Webster was Jewish anyway. (Deepest apologies to Rahm Emmanuel and SJ, naturally). I've been so busy filling the past 8 days with just enough oil to light the way to my car, where all of the presents I've purchased for myself lie. Obvi. Hopefully that shit is going to last 40 days. Right? Am I mixing fables or psalms or whatever here? Anyway, continuing . . .

I've spent some of my time in the past 2 weeks getting yelled at and having to do real work, which activities are obviously followed by "not giving a fuck." All of that has been exhausting, trust me. Don't even get me started on having to blowout during all of that stress, don't do it.

Finally, I've had to compile my Christmas list. You think I'm gonna let the Klaus check my shit twice and discover spelling errors or a half-ass compilation of exactly what I want him to bring me (that my jackass friends and family couldn't purchase during the prior 365 days) . . ? Fuck no. IDK how school works up at the North Pole, but I'll have you (and the Klaus) know that I graduated from a public ivy, and yes, my list will reflect it. We all know that lists don't have to be officially complete until 10 days before the delivering of presents (the real reason for my season . . plus Red/Green crystal light and rum) but here's a sneak peek at what I've got so far. And yes, this list is for Santa and the aforementioned jackass friends and family who slack 11/12th's of the calendar year. It is as follows:

1. A national championship for Texas.
2. The resurrection of Michael Jackson.
3. A slumber party with Raven Symone.

So far, that's all I've got.

I'll keep thinking. Meanwhile, you bitches get seance-ing, or turning water into wine, whichever will get me MJ the fastest. Duh.