July 11, 2011

"White Boy Wasted."

What up bitches! (I promise I'll only use that salutation like, at the most, 4 more times. Don't worry.) Anyway! I should have, looking back on that like, perhaps started out with something a bit more urban, hip-hop-ish and misogynistic. Maybe . . . Wuz up? Ah, it doesn't have the same effect, and where's the misogyny. I will have to think about it. We can get back into that later.

Are you darlings getting ready for the final Potter premiere? I mean, I am, but before you judge, let me explain. In order to do so, I'll have to travel way back, and we'll take a peep into my formative years - namely 2001 (give or take a year or so) . . I was finishing up high school (I'm trying not to reveal my age, even though you wouldn't believe it if I told you) and was with my very best friend taking in a movie. We'd been waiting to see "Life As A House" for some time, and attended on the opening night, naturally. our tickets, student ID cards in hand, I recall that we were eager to see the mallratz always present at our local cinema. We were jazzed, if only beacause of our infamous approach - walking arm-in-arm to clothesline those Hot Topic shareholders. When we arrived at the theater, however, we stumbled upon a horrific sight. A group of several dozen . . . wizards!
We had never even heard of this now-phenom Harry James Potter, but either way, we were disgusted. As I'm sure you can imagine, our faces twisted into a scowl and we proceeded to watch one of the most gut-wrenchingly sad movies of all time. After we were finished dragging the figurative razor across our wrists (in film, so to speak), we made our way out of the theater, tears streaming down our cheeks and were met with . . . an even larger group of wizards/adults living in their parents basement and/or LARPer's. Yuck! The capes, the wands made out of twigs, the hand-drawn insignia, we were overwhelmed!

Our eyes were immediately drawn to the glaring lights, camera and set-up of a local news crew. We couldn't imagine how we had been so . . . "in the dark" about this . . . obsession. We slowly inched closer to the camera, listening in to hear of this young warlock: Harry Potter. About this time it occurred to us that, despite the fact that we had name-brand clothing and were without a scar sloppily drawn on our foreheads with a sharpie or kohl pencil, there was no reason we shouldn't be interviewed to. We'd at least get to give our shout-outs on live TV before the gig was up. After several minutes seconds we resorted to what we knew best: belligerence. We ended the night sneaking into the next and final shot and began fist-pumping with a resounding chant of "Harry" over and over and over again. You know, Jim Carrey style from his days on "In Living Color."

Little did we know how much we would both secretly (and not so secretly) we would one day come to love the playful antics of Harry and Voldy-mort, despite the hours we would spend poking fun. With the final Potter release quickly approaching on the 15th, I feel its important to at least comment on it. I had always planned on sharing that anecdote with you all, but, Jesus smiled down upon us all this afternoon.

Draco has always been one of my favorite characters - I'm sure this comes as no surprise. IDK what it is - the bleached out hair, the overwhelming pretension and a penchant for the finest things in life . . . I've always been drawn to him. I mean, yeah, I like Hermione (once she used her magic to straighten out that matted hair) and Harry's always been okay - short, but okay, I suppose. 

You might be expecting me to comment on his recent admission of alcohol addiction. We just covered drugs last week, and we'll be getting to addiction soon, so let's talk Malfoy. Homeboy's (and I mean that really) is starting a rap career! Thank god. There hasn't been an untalented white rapper in far too long. I'll need to investigate to find out exactly when the album is going to drop. Malfoy is the epitome of a white anglo-saxon male and I'm waiting for this album with bated breaf. The last un-talent potential of this magnitude was seen in K. Fed, who clearly should have stuck with banging B. Spears and making children that look like they have FAS (no offense). But Malfoy is English - can you imagine the cadence with an accent reminiscent of whatever the name of "My Fair Lady" is? 

Let's stay close to this beat, y'all (get it?) - I will most certainly keep you posted. As always.

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