July 8, 2011

I'm not going to be able to make it . . .

Ah! Friday. Thank heavens. What a week its been at work! Don't even get me started! And in upsetting news, this week ranks almost as highest as hearing that Kevin Richardson left the Backstreet Boys (don't judge), I'm glad we've all made it through together.

The week isn't over yet, though. I'm going to try to ease you in to this next one. Picture this: I was enjoying my second cup of morning coffee (the fact that there's more Equal than java, constantly pointed out to me . . .is irrelevant) and one of my roommates was reading me the morning's headlines in her best English accent, my multi-racial child, Neville, was at my feet and the day was just beginning to swelter with the kind of humidity that will require the quick replacement of grain alcohol rather than a third cup o' joe. I know you've all been there, and, if you haven't, I advise getting knocked up as soon as possible - those morning tea cakes don't craft themselves, after all.  Anyway. Just as I was finishing the list of chores I was going to task out today, and I heard this shit. . .

What. The. Fuck. I was already notably upset at having missed the pseudo-concert of a lifetime. NKOTBSB has been getting rave reviews, as I'm confident you've heard. But to muddle such classics as "I Want It That Way;" "All I Have To Give;" and/or "Incomplete;" with the antics of the Chris Kirkpatrick of boy bands: Donnie Wahlberg. Don't even get me started, I'll save us all the time of re-telling Donnie's antics of allegedly setting a small fire in a hotel in Kentucky in '91. (People must not realize that small fires often grow larger upon given oxygen and burnable materials. It really could have gotten out of hand.)

Back to Aaron Cater, unfort. The youngest Carter singer (that I've heard of, albeit in whispers) jacking up the esteemed Carter name is terribly troubling. "Aaron's Party" was mediocre - at best. What's worse, his inclusion of the King himself, just . . . unacceptable. And Jesus Christ. I understand homeboy's just been out of rehab, but to have the body of a meth addict living under some overpass? Throw on some goddamn guy-liner! Pull a Pete Wentz, anything, please!

Carter has since denied saying such trash, and thank god, if he ever hopes to follow his record-setting album "Aaron's Party." Pretty sure MJ was busy enough being BFF with Macaulay Caulkin and was spread pretty thin. MJ had given all he had to give (BSB tie-in, get it? Shut up - you love it) in order to keep Kevin McAllister happy.

In summation, dearest Aaron, save yourself the forty-four cents; I'm going to R.S.V.P. "no" to "Aaron's Party" from here on out.

P.S. The accusations aforementioned do not, of course, apply to Joey McIntyre and/or Jordan Knight (if you've cleared up the whole anxiety issue); so please, give me a call. All my love.

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