September 20, 2011

Good Evening, Friend.

­Alright – let’s channel two of my favorite things for this – yes, the second post of today. I know – I’m a giver. But, to be honest, I have always have been. Anyway – how’s about a “stream-of-consciousness” response to the brand new season of “Dancing with the Stars” . . . as it happens?
Okay – here we go. 

IDFK about you but I’m jazzed to see the following: 

1.      1.     A one Ms. Nancy Grace letting her hair down (so to speak) and to see whether she let John David and Lucy out of the toddler pool they are always in (I mean I’m all about safety, too, but children can drown in just six inches of water!) Also – any chances we think Tot Mom and Jose Baez are in the audience. Oh shut it – you know those bitches are definitely voting tonight.

2.       2.    Kristin Cavallari. We all know she’s a bitch and we all love it. All I care about is the panning of the audience during her cha-cha (or whatever the hell it will be) – I can’t wait to see Jason W. Or Steven – what if he’s there? Oh my gosh. Cannot wait. I wonder if that bitch Jessica will be there to whine with her broken arm and try to steal (back) her homeboy Jason W. back. Oh – and no, most of those people don’t have last names for me.)

3.      3.     Chastity Bono. I mean. Y’all know me. I don’t give a shit – man, woman, gay, straight. As long as you’re not keeping me from mystic tanning or protesting child labor outside American Apparel when I’m just trying to buy a goddamn crewneck tank – I could care less. I don’t know what the big fuss is. Anyway. I just want to know how Chastity Bono is going to look in heels!  Okay – he’s officially made the change – and here – all this time I thought “Chastity” was a name because no one would bang her. Boy do I feel like a jackass. At least I see that tree up ahead. (R.I.P. Sonny Bono, obvs.)

4.    And, it’s on. Don’t you worry - Now – Ron Artest, or whatever his name is – pass. Rob Kardashian? I totes didn’t watch it that closely – mainly because I saw as much of a Kardashian on film for life in Kim and Ray-J’s video debut. No thanks, but no thanks. I did hear Carrie Ann tell him that he cleaned up nice – it makes me shudder to think what her new husband looks like. Another reason for my non-watching? I’m not a fan of five-heads, or eight-heads for that matter. Cheryl Burke’s forehead (or, as previously mentioned, eight-head) is way too shiny for me to watch without my new Chloe shades on that I ordered from Neiman’s (yes, really). Hopefully they’ll be in before next week – you know how Cheryl’s mop head always manages to sleep with the judges long enough at least until midseason. (Probably Rob, too, let’s be honest, it’s a family legacy.)
5.     Okay Chynna Philips. She gets major props because “Bridesmaids” is my favorite movie, besides “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” She also gets props for not being a bitch to Carlie when Carlie was . . . well – any status update on the gastric bypass? Anyone know whether Chynna was nice to her sister as a white-8 Ball? I sure hope so. I know people that have experience with that. IT takes all kinds, people. Also, I thought Chynna Phillips was that woman (man) wrestler from the days of yore! I was really puzzled as to which two professional dancers they would stack to pair with her. Damnit. Note to producers – look into that.

Alright, Nance is coming up next, friend. And my first thought (right after “Get it, girl!”) is that the desk on Nancy’s Headline News Set hides a lot of Nancy. I mean, don’t get me wrong – she’d still fit in my breast pocket and would totes be able to pop out and apply my rouge as needed, but  - I feel a little like I’ve just gotten the old “bait and switch.” The jury is still out on this one. (Get it?) Also – for the love of Christ – can’t our girl take off that motherfucking leather jacket? Is it like Ursula with Ariel’s voice in the shell? Or something like that. Okay – I’m just patiently waiting for commercials to cease. 

Uh, anyone else speechless? As if I could love Nancy anymore! My best friend and I are definitely Nancy fans – I mean, really, as much as we are Lil’ Wayne fans, and I think I can safely say Momma did us proud. I know you’re all expecting me to be way more of a snarky bitch, but there’s a time and a place, ladies. 

I’m going to have to finish my recap tomorrow – I’ve got to start my SMS voting – you bitches better do it, too – don’t make me disappointed, not vote and have Reuben Studdard steal the crown again from Clay Aiken. Chocolate Teddy Bear – psh. Don’t get me started. Also, holy shit. Maxim has a brother. Impressed! I didn’t think Communists were allowed to have more than one kid? Or if they did they had to put them in a garbage bag in a field? Hate to tell you this Senator McCartney, I’m totally backing the red tide’s invasion – well not backing it, literally, but more, you know. 

Good night (for now), friend.

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