October 23, 2011

But we've got Oprah.

Oh my sweet darlings! And how are you tonight? Resting up for your busy work week ahead, I presume? Goodness, I’ve missed you; but I know that you all know that, given the recent goings-on in our world, there’s no way I could have been with you. I won’t admit that I’ve been occupying Wall Street, or Raleigh, for that matter – because, let’s be honest – I haven’t. We can talk more about that later, if I feel like it, naturally. It goes without saying, y’all already know how I feel about people who don’t shower and/and pay taxes. Don’t get me started! Don’t even get me started!

I have all these blog posts to catch you up with, let’s start at the beginning, shall we? As I flip back through my “Hilarious Things to Blog About” Moleskine (no, I’m not a hipster, it’s what Hemingway used to write on, duh!)  and it leads me back to Troy Davis; and subsequently, Great Britain. Let me explain.

For those of you who’ve been just as busy as me (but don’t care enough to keep up with current events; in which case, I h8 you) Troy Davis was put to death for a crime he probs didn’t commit. I don’t know the whole story, nor do I care to read anyone’s opinion of it but Alec Baldwin’s, but something about a glock and Burger King I think. And you thought the only thing Burger King was fucking up was your BMI – don’t you feel like an idiot . . . ? Right. So anyway, despite a bunch of shit and even more protesting and Kim Kardashian totes disapproving via 140 characters, homeboy got the ax anyway.

Obviously, I don’t necessarily care what your opinion on the whole thing is; and I mean that in the sweetest way possible. That’s because we aren’t here to debate whether or not T.D. was guilty, innocent or half-innocent (I do see the glass half-full, after all). Don’t be an asshole and ask “Why?” – it’s a little too late, if you’ve just joined us now, he’s dead.

Anyway. In addition to providing my best friends at MSNBC countless hours of fodder-worthy material, it caused some to compare us to our global counterparts.

The first comment that totally disgusted me piqued my interest sounded something like this:
 “The United States still has the death penalty – and Canada doesn’t.”
My response? Who gives a shit. Canada is supes lame and hasn’t contributed anything to our global consciousness since Avril Lavigne. Oh, and Beibs.

But then, our Country Tis’ Of Thee was compared to China and Iraq and Iran and all those crazy jacked-up countries – because we all capitally punish a shit-ton of people a year, right? That obviously elicited an eye-roll from this girl, because, as a girl in America, I can wear mascara and totally waste all the opportunities being a girl in America affords me. Thank you, Lady Liberty!

And then! Someone compares us to those filthy red coats: the British! Britain doesn’t kill its prisoners, and so on and so on and then I fell asleep watching “To Catch a Predator.” But it got me to thinking. Are we really going to start this battle? Apparently. So let’s take a second and really break it down. Sure, we don’t have universal healthcare and love nothing better than the death penalty – but surely, there’s more to life (and death), right?

First, let’s address our topic of interest here: crime. To bring it back full circle to the whole subject of criminals, a quick first note, I’m pretty sure Great Britain needs to shut its damn trap when it comes to a penal system. Uh, is it just me, or are we still unsure of the true identity of Jack the Ripper. . . ? Exactly. America took your Jack the Ripper, multiplied him by 100 and put him in a fucking log cabin (how uniquely American), with aviator shades and a grizzly man beard . . . oh, and then we caught him and sold all his shit for a fraction of what it was worth. Fuck you Ted Kaczynski. Penal System point natch goes to America.

Further, we all saw Austin Powers and realize that their health care system stops short of their incisors. No big deal. They’ve got Elton John and we have Adam Lambert. Shakespeare? John Grisham. Taxation Without Representation? Tar, feathers and the Stamp Act. Clearly all points for America. Is this really a contest worth having? Exactly.

I could go on all day, but I’ve got a super important and very busy day tomorrow. And plus, a new “To Catch a Predator” is slated to be on next; Mama’s got to prep.

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