June 16, 2016

An Ode To The Men Who've Let Me Down

As I'm sure you've been reminded more than once, Father's Day is this Sunday, which for me means 1 thing: stopping to take a look around, assess where I am in life, and figure out all the ways I can blame everything on at least one of the men in my life. I've got a dad, and as such, I'm no stranger to disappointment- although, to be fair, with me as a daughter, neither is he.

This year, though, I'd like to broaden the scope, if you will (and I know you will). Instead of looking in my own backyard - I'm going to pan the camera a bit wider and see if there aren't men letting me down without ever having met me. Talk about power, right? Imagine being able to ruin my life (a feat which has taken me nearly 30 years to master!) without ever having told me I was too fat to be lovable at my 5th grade birthday party or not letting me see Cruel Intentions with my best friends the night it came out in 1997. Surely, I surmised, the only men who can truly disappoint me are the ones trying to fertilize my fuck garden, those who gave me embarrassingly low self-esteem, or if they're lucky: a combination of the two.

Boy! (Pun intended.) I sure was mistaken. As it turns out, men are letting me down left and right - literally all over the place, some for years and some only recently, and either way, I am disgusted. So, let's get to it.

1. T.I.

Recently, the Rubber Band Man himself stated that he could not vote for a woman running for president. Hasn't he heard of a Ride or Die? Regardless, I will say this: be still my heart, because it is broken. As a former superfan of the self-proclaimed King of the South, this is so upsetting. I supported T.I. I stood by T.I.P. Gun running charges? Had his back. Feds dragging him? Free T.I. Those days are long gone. His inability to support a Hillary Clinton presidency has me begging one question: Where would T.I. be without his own Ride or Die Bitch? What is T.I., after all, without Tiny? I perish the thought, and in my humble opinion, so should he. Gone are the days where I would give T.I. whatever he'd like because all he's given me lately is a subpar summer banger with a side of disappointment.

2. Donald Trump

I'm not trying to get too political here, but this needs to be said: Donald Trump's tan makes me embarrassed to be an American. As a staunch spray tan supporter (12 years strong), I understand that its not easy. An even application doesn't magically appear. There are so many steps: pre-exfoliation, soaking, sloughing, post exfoliation, water cleansing, oil cleansing, resurfacing - I mean, the list goes on. It takes hard work and dedication - two traits I thought The Donald was proud to embody. I couldn't have been more wrong. And its not like he doesn't have choices. Sure, he's not big on offering many options to, say, women when it comes to reproductive rights, but the spray tan is a kind and loving god. Superfine mist not for him? Fine! Go with a clear gelée, or even, might I suggest, a foam? Stop letting me down Mr. Trump. Stop letting America down.

3. The Actor Who Plays Jon Snow

Listen, I don't watch Game of Thrones, and I haven't read too much into this whole fiasco, but I'm still familiar enough with disappointing men to toss my hat into the ring, so to speak. I don't post on Reddit, I don't have adult braces, and I had friends in high school, so it goes without saying I couldn't care less about Game of Thrones. I don't know who Jon Snow is, and I don't care, but he sure sounds like an asshole. In a recent interview, Kit Harrington (the actor who I am told plays Mr. Snow, or is it Dungeoner Snow, or perhaps Count Snow or even DragonMaster Snow?) went on about how men face sexism in Hollywood and if I'm being honest, all I read was the headline, which was more than enough. No thank you, Lord Snow. I am disappointed in the short-sighted nonsensicality of this statement. It doesn't even deserve to be acknowledged so that's that. I will say this. Spoiler Alert: Eat me, Jon Snow.

4. Every Man In A Convertible

I know. It's hard out there for a pimp. But please, put your top up and turn down Three Six Mafia - you're in your forties (at best) and your khaki shorts are busting at the seams - your children are embarrassed and quite frankly, so is everyone else. Your Tommy Bahama shirt is faded and spotty, just like my morals - so trust me, I get it. But I'm telling you - stop it now. On behalf of your family: we're not mad, but we are hella disappointed. And take it from me, that shit is hard to contain. Disappointment is like wildfire - it will spread and it will spread quick. Imagine passing it on to your children. My dad probably never thought saying "You're Hired!" every time I blew out my birthday candles would affect his oldest daughter, but here we are. I urge you: stop now, before its too late.

I can only hope that every man (father or otherwise, mentioned above or otherwise) tries to be less disappointing in the year ahead, if not for yourselves, for me. Stop letting me down and who knows what kind of high-functioning adult I'd turn into. On second though, keep it up, boys! You're doing great!

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