October 31, 2016

Let Me Down, Halloween

A new week, a new ode to the men who’ve let me down. Halloween-style. (Yeah, I said that, so what?)

  1. Any man in a Ken Bone costume. Listen, I like a red cardigan and khakis from L.L. Bean as much as the next guy, but let’s be real here: Ken Bone is no American hero. And your celebration of him troubles me deeply. Undecided voters in the most obvious election of the century get no kudos from me. And they shouldn’t from you, either. Perhaps Ken has chosen a side by now. Perhaps I shouldn’t fault him for cashing in on his 15 minutes of fame. Either way, I am. If we’re beig honest (and we always are), I’d rather see you dressed up as a mammogram machine or “God’s Gift to Women” than Ken Bone.
  2. Any man dressed as a mammogram machine. I bet you thought you were going to get off easy, didn’t you? Just because you’re a small step above a Ken Bone costume doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be pointed and laughed at as much as possible. I’m here for that if you need me. But really, a mammogram machine? Get real. You’re only slightly better than a Ken Bone costume, and you know how I feel about those.
  3. Any man in a God’s Gift to Women costume. Hey guy! Congratulations on dressing up in the most hack costume of all time. And to be honest, I think its time you stop fooling yourself. Men that dress up as God’s Gift to Women are almost always anything but. In most cases, they’re the exact opposite. If you really wanted to be a gift to women, you’d dress up as a divorce. Or the 19th amendment. Or feminism.

Trust me, you can do better.

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