June 8, 2009

"By Invitation Only" isn't just for Half-Birthday Parties.

Hello darlings! No, I'm not sleeping on the grill outside of my apartment (my mom's house) but have actually had work to do this morning. By work, of course, I mean finding the perfect summer denim, bag, clutch, perfume (regardless of season, its always Light Blue - so sue me) and on and on. Every once in a while I like to take some time out of my hectic schedule to appreciate the finest things; like online shopping. Now don't get me wrong - I love getting blown out for a lovely day at Nordstrom's (or, if my roommate is with me - Ann Taylor), but I always seem to run into a problem - the lack of exclusivity.

Ever since I grew out the boy-cut Joan got me for my 10th birthday, I've made it a point to only have generally attractive and witty friends. I am no free-for-all (unless we've hit the 5 jager max) and neither is my life.

You'll find that the people I "lose touch with" have also lost touch themselves. Only in their case its with fashion, the ability to deliver a toast, the know-how to go along with me when I tell some poor sucker that it is, in fact, my birthday/the anniversary of my divorce/I just got accepted into Cornell Law School and yes, we would love a drink (or 8). Losing touch with a friend, in my life known as the "probationary period" preceding my yearly Inventory (more about this as we approach my birthday), is always hard but it always works out for the best - for me, at least.

Scoff if you like, but by only hanging out with good looking people who can use a clever comment/literary quote in daily conversation - it makes life simple. In an age when we are all are rushing about, my dislike/distrust of unattractive people saves me from having to back them up if they get called an ugly bitch at the club. The aforementioned rule allows me to go out into the sun whenever I please because obvi there aren't any redheads (okay, well there is one, but he is so witty and bronze he's a welcome addition) - thank heavens. I think you get the idea here.

IDK about you, but I had a magnificent weekend - not surprisingly, I did everything I wanted to do - accomplished a few things on my to-do list (more on this later, I'm sure), managed to take my son to the dog park and have a glass (or 4) of Pinot Grigio with the friend from the doughnut story.

And, on today's topic of exclusivity, I will say that I had to interact with a certain type of person, well, people, that absolutely make me cringe. I will share the unpleasantness with you now my dear(s).

Being as vague, but offensive, as possible, I had to attend an outing that left me distressed. An encounter with undesirables - 2 to be exact. Now, because I have an obligation to be friendly to all God's creatures (whatever), I really did give it a good try. I smiled as she swept her chin-length bangs out of her face to reveal heavily lined eyes, an uneven bronzer application and teeth that can best be described as - no, they were whack. Think like Kirsten Dunst - except this bitch couldn't afford braces. I knew her companion and therefore feel much better about judging him. First impression? When he creepily followed me all over downtown and wouldn't leave for the entire night? Creepy. Not like "exposing yourself to children in McDonald's" creepy but worse - like "Don't worry, his Mom is talking to him about touching other people and personal space" creepy. Um, he's 27. If homeboy doesn't know that a verbal "quit touching me" means I don't like his clammy hands on my person - then I'm pretty sure he's an idiot.

So, I'm forced to talk to Gretchen Wilson's fucking twin sister and the male (questionable) version of Mary Catherine Gallagher for most of the night. Horr-en-dous. It was all so damn underwhelming & gross. Adding insult to injury, the two spent the whole time trying to argue with me, rude. Now, I love everyone, but I take offense when people say dumb shit about me or my roommate or alma mater (I mean, I don't get mad, I just roll my eyes and flip my blow-out).

Call me pretentious (they did) but I expect greatness and complete sentences! And as pretentious as I am, I'm never attracted to someone that is competing in the Special Olympics - I mean, that, plus his lack of knowledge about David Yurman - there's no fucking way. And, alright - "ECU scores higher than Texas" on some tests - but I think they all involve an oral swab. Am I wrong?

Let me bring it back in (if possible) to my main point - exclusivity. You, little ones, are all a privilege! I can't stress this enough! Unless you need community service hours, save your best for some downtown club, cigar bar or late-night after party.

This occurrence has only bolstered my own convictions and understanding that most people won't impress me. I hate to say it - they just don't. I always take for granted my inherent traits - and pay the price. This obvious in the terrifying encounter I described above. People like that, just are; and its okay - because I won't have to see them again (knowingly or unknowingly), ever. Cherish that blessing! That kind freedom doesn't happen everywhere. No way! Things like that only happen in the United States of America, and that, my friends, is glorious.

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