June 10, 2009

"You have got to be kidding me!"

To some of you, the following will mean nothing. To others, it will further illustrate the influences that have developed my co-workers into the people that I love, hate and ultimately ignore work from. Either way, I don't care.

Let me take a second to tell you about a (former) neighbor of one of my co-workers. His name is Catfish. Catfish is a scoundrel of the worst variety. When he lived in my co-worker's neighborhood, he had children constantly in and out of his house - whores, too. He was surprisingly unfriendly and radiated a vile odor even from a distance. In addition, Catfish was always getting caught in some compromising positions in very unsavory places, to say the least. I'll spare you most of the deets but one involved a methamphetamine lab and another dealt with indecent exposure. His shenanigans had been going on for some time but then one day - Catfish vanished; never to be heard from again.

We all hoped for the best - well, okay, no, I didn't really, I was just so fucking thankful not to have to hear anymore Catfish tales (tails?). Since that point, its been a running joke (to half of my office) to wonder aloud the where and how-abouts of poor Catfish. I surmised that had had been dawg-napped, but eventually found his way - most likely working in some shelter tutoring misguided children while doing braids or shaving designs into their 'fros.

Just moments ago, I heard a loud "You have got to be kidding me!" from the back of our office. Assuming, like it always is, an over-exaggerated story about her child speaking in complete sentences or her husband in nurse's aide school (former truck driver) I acted like I was on the phone, etc. I should have rushed to her office at first yelp.

Turns out, yes, Catfish is most likely braiding hair, but not for Durham's underprivileged youth. Catfish (given name Jasmond) was scheduled today to be tried for capital murder! I was way off! He is currently (wrongly I'm sure) accused of killing a teenager while driving his car (drive-by shooting). To complicate matters, at the time Catfish was arrested, he was also charged with some assaults, kidnapping and a shootout in order to evade officers.

Of course, his family vehemently denies the claims of the Durham Assistant District Attorney - and they offer tons of valid, legitimate proof. Catfish and the shooter have the same kind of car - but Catfish's car has a manual transmission! To those slow on connecting these outlandish dots, not even the best driver can steer, shift gears and shoot at the same time. Furthermore, the shooter was described with braids, but Catfish has cornrows. Case. Dismissed.

What a tremendous weight off my shoulders! IDK if any of Catfish's kin has looked into a career at all, but I'd like to be the first to direct them towards a profession in sleuthing. You're welcome relations of Catfish! I know I'd surely take off my bullet-proof vest knowing that Lil' Sherlock Catfish Holmes was patrolling the streets, wouldn't you?

1 comment:

  1. if there's one thing i love, it's murder and cornrows!