Okay, so check it; I'm going outside of the mold here and am going to post something strictly about me, ya dig? Excellent. So, rewind to a fortnight ago, and yes, there we were, a dear friend's bachlorette weekend hosted by Ocean Isle Beach, North Carolina; in additionthe entire population of the city (puka shell necklaces not optional). With that being said, I had my first foray into the world of lesbians and talk of bodily fluid(s) that fateful Friday night. No, gross! I was not anywhere within 50 miles of Chaz Bono; I did a little stand-up. Now, I'm not going to tell you how it was a whole set or how I was ah-fucking-mazing (the fact that you don't have a machine breathing for you should make that shit a given), but I will tell you this, it was liberating. Like not like in a "not having to worry about getting sexually harassed at work" type of way; or even like in a gross short haircut Title IX kind of manner but it just felt good. That could have been more the result of the 4 downed shots in the 30 seconds prior to my stage debut, but, whatever, I'll take it (ir)regardless.
So, to further explain myself, a group of 12 of my very best friends (plus one) and I saunter in, and settle down in this fucking dive bar and after counting on not-even-on-one-hand how many bang-able(s) were present, realized that we had stumbled into karaoke night. I immediately ran up to the stage to request a Michael Jackson birthday montage and in doing so, realized that this DJ is not only incredibly drunk, but incredibly lacking the wherewithal to speak in complete sentences (cue the reference to the high school level education), so as I'm waiting for homeboy to kindly put on "Dirty Diana" I see an open mic and then it begins. It was great and I'm really happy to report to y'all that having great hair and still saying "Can I get a what what?" doesn't discount any chance of you not banging after the bars close. Nice.
And like that it was done. As I've talked to my peeps (yes, I said that, too) and realizing that everyone has been suggesting this path for years (truth), I decided to do a little research. By "research" I of course mean kind of thinking about it during my Thursday afternoon manicure.
If you know me at all, you'll know that once I set my mind on something, like I'll pick a role model and then immediately dive on in. Like, for example, when I was 8, I decided I was going to be the Surgeon General one day and so I started signing all my letters with "The Future Surgeon General of the United States" and insisted on being addressed as such on birthday cards and Christmas presents, etc. Right? Obvi, my role model was the Koop guy, because he was one smart dude. This of course all lasted until I started binge drinking at 13, but that's not the point.
So, I mean, who's going to be my stand-up comedian role model? Who can I petition to take me to along on "Take your daughter to work day?" Exactly. I mean, in terms of comediennes, its slim fucking pickings. Whoopi? She's black. Joy Behar? She's Jewish (and has a horrible fucking laugh). Rosie? She's as much of a lady as Jamie Lee Curtis is.
More so, none of those hos impress me. I mean, I'm pretty sure its just a generational thing, right? Like, yeah, Whoopi marrying Ted Danson was fucking hilarious but wait, no it wasn't. Sister Act was great, but Sister Mary Clarence didn't get any "ROFL's" from me. I mean, yeah, Chelsea Handler's out there, but shes a Jew, too, and half Mormon, right? Don't even get me started. Plus, every good idea I've had, homegirl has totes fucking stole. Her book ideas? I'd already penned them. Damnit, Chelsea! And to be honest, I just don't think Chelsea's been that funny lately (get it?). So I'm totally fucked. I mean, Tina Fey? Love that ho; but she's got a harelip. Amy Poehler? Eh, her mouth bothers me.
So, I'll be keeping you posted. For those of you that are going to try to help, you will most likely fail, but in the meantime, just think of someone with good hair, not a minority, well off, adorable and "socially liberal; but fiscally conservative" who is also a grown-ass, natural-born woman. I don't want to have to limit my wardrobe to blazers with shoulder pads or adopting children with Clay Aiken. Is there such a person for me to stand on the shoulders of? I surely fucking hope so; because if I know one thing; I'd look like shit in black face.