September 14, 2009


Well, I know, I'm going crazy over here with these millions of posts. Its totes NMF, but I (lit/fig) just have so much to discuss with you. After you thank me, you can thank Jesus.

Speaking of, whether you believe it or not, some in Raleigh consider me to be just the gift that keeps on giving, a living saint, of sorts. No, I'm not kidding you - oftentimes, behind the scenes I practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty - even if its just throwing my Tecate out of my sunroof window half full (you're welcome). I like to think of myself (and accordingly, I do think of myself) as an incredibly selfless person. I mean, I'm always doing stuff for other people, and if you're in a pinch just look over your shoulder, honey (MJ reference, obvs), and I'll be there.

With that being said, I've come to notice all of the millions of people not like me. I mean, I just think that if everyone did their part to make someone else's day a little easier (or at least help someone a little down on their luck forget their troubles every now and again - please see my Tecate example above), this world would be a much better place. Okay, to be honest, by "this world" I mean my world . . . okay, yours too (selfless, remember?).

So yesterday, while I was watching church on cable and nursing my hangover; I began to flip through the channels and came across an infomercial for some kind of thinning hair doctor in Houston or some shit. I immediately had to turn it, I don't allow people with less than perfect locks within ten feet of me, let alone in my (mom's) fucking living room - people like that often are carriers for communicable disease, its in the Bible! Anyway, it got me to thinking about this Dr. Leo Something-baum and the maven of "modern medicine" he claimed to be. Well, by the time I was finished pondering the subject (a good 10 minutes) I was so upset I didn't know what to do with myself.

So, going to school for a decade to fix people with shitty hair? There's a word for that - selfish. Devoting your life to performing some disgusting procedure on middle aged people who yearn to achieve a (most likely) mediocre blowout? Bullshit. Trust me, you've either got it or you don't. Allow me to continue. This doctor, albeit Jewish (IDK, can we confirm? or shall we just assume?) had some marble fountained practice in the Lone Star State (insulting enough by itself) and was getting filthy rich off this shit. Methinks someone needs to re-read the Bible (Torah?) and start living a life dedicated to something useful - like cosmetic surgery for people with cleft palates. No offense to any of those out there that have one but literally nothing makes me more mad than seeing that shit all up on your face. Like with bad hair you can easily cover it, but I've never seen a mouth cap (note to inventors), much to my chagrin.

Like, let me help explain. Mother Theresa, let's look at her for a second. Homegirl was easily not 5 feet tail and thin as shit - IDK about you, but in America, we call that untapped "America's Top Model" talent. But no, instead of living for herself and Tyra's fivehead; homegirl fed gruel to the poor of Calcutta. Self-less. Yes, you're right, I come to mind, and not just for the reasons listed above. Can you imagine what you're life would be like if we didn't share this time together when I have the desire to type out this hilarity? I shudder to think. Y'all don't have to worry - my roommate/mother raised me right; I'm not boxing (no pun intended) myself into a convent just yet; but I'd like to see more people take a fucking look at the man in the mirror; and follow in the footsteps of Mother Theresa (if your feet are bound) or yours truly.

Yes, you're welcome. (Mother Theresa and I both say . . . well, "said" in her case, that endlessly, note it.)

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