July 21, 2011

Kelly Kapowski > Michele Bachmann

So M. Bachmann released doctor's notes concerning her migraines this afternoon - or today, or whatev - I just read it. I'm getting sick of putting loose quotes around every goddamn thing with this skewed ho (both her eyesight and otherwise) so let's just assume its implied, deal? Good.

I'm sure you've all read them, because we clearly give a shit, because she's got a real chance of advancing in the 2012 Presidential Election, right? Wrong. I skimmed for a quick second and determined that I, too, put forth my fair share of very similar "doctor's notes" while I wasn't in high school because I was getting stoned. The drug use from our past can be addressed in another post, but I just want to let you know Michele . . . I read you loud and clear, homegirl. Hopefully the American public won't do too much background research on your doctor, either, just like my favorite attendance lady, Mrs. G, didn't each time my red-eyes needed an excused absence.

Anyway! Is it just me, or does all this talk of Bachmann's headaches remind you of that "Saved By The Bell" episode appropriately titled "Fatal Distraction" . . . ? Remember - Screech and Zach bug Jessie's room to find out if Kelly is going to the school dance with Zach or Slater . . . ? While Screech may have been good at hiding the fact that (according to his book) he was banging a production manager 30 years his senior (or some shit like that) while he was a lad, he fell short when hiding his surveillance equipment. I know you're all with me now, but you know, to get back at Zach, Kelly and the gang fabricate Kelly's headaches and that she gets them and gets violent and beats the fuck out of people and was in a mental hospital and all that. Yes! You do remember! And holy shit, Kelly Kapowski and M. Bachmann are surprisingly exactly alike. Except for that Kelly didn't have a lazy eye, and Michele is ugly.

IDFK about you, but I know I'm going to steer clear the next time the woman who shares a hometown with John Wayne Gacy gets a twinge of pain in her temporal lobes. No fucking thank you. I can't even imagine the pain she's going to bring to the Tan Man (that's a great fucking nickname for baby blue eyes John Boner - typo and it stays.) when she realizes he's far less batshit insane. T. Paw doesn't even stand a chance, and we're not even talking about his Presidential "bid" . . .

Any prediction on who Bachmann is taking to the school dance? Seriously? John Wayne's dead (in both cases) and God knows Zach Morris learned his lesson.

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